you
want to know something about me? i remember pretty much everything. not
photographic memory but damn near close enough. you think that is fun
for me? think again.
i
still remember shit like what color shirt you wore on a certain day. or
how you had some pants that were so long you had these huge cuffs at
the bottom. pointless, meaningless crap. you buying a clue game from a
garage sale. the color of your car. the nin sticker on the back window.
believe me, there have been a hell of a lot of pointless crap in all the
years i knew you.
you
want to know the absolute truth? When you told me you fucked 5 people
before you were 18 i always thought that was pretty slutty. Oh, but see,
back then i was different. Back then i was foolish enough to
hope/wish/dream that you were just some stupid teenager and had learned
from all your bad decisions. Back then i cared. I gave you compassion
and love and empathy. I tried to support you, and not judge based on
your past but look to who you were in your present. Yet how was i
suppose to know that you would never grow or learn as you got older. No,
you just kept repeating the same patterns over and over and over again.
to you the words "i love you" were just a confirmation that you would
lie and cheat on that person. You treated people just the way your dad
treated your mom, when he fucked other people then abandoned her and
you.
thinking
back on all those years i wasted on a piece of trash like yourself i
cant decide who was more pathetic. me? for giving you years of my life.
giving you love. giving you compassion. trying to understand you. trying
to reason with you. trying to forgive you for every hurtful thing you
ever did to me.
Or you.
for
being who you are. nothing but a selfish, self serving, lying hypocrite
who spreads her legs for anyone that wants a piece of you. oh except me
that is.
you
ever wonder about that? i sure have. plenty. How you could be a dirty
slut and fuck whomever, whenever. And yet when it came to me you
suddenly found morals or whatever. Oh but it didnt stop you from fucking
other people at the same time. Nope. Just me.
No.
i doubt you ever think about any of this. Or your life. Or the pain you
caused. Or the lies you spun. You have you head so far up the ass of
denial your whole consciousness is blind to the FACTS of what you have
done to people. It is probably the only way you continue on, otherwise
you would kill yourself.
deniability
is your way of life isnt it. know what i remember? when i wrote your
beloved jeremy about the truth. when i sent him a letter of all the
things you did. all the times you went to visit your mom and ended up
fucking saulo, while supposedly claiming you cared about him, and loved
me. and when he asked you to lunch and gave you that letter and you
started crying and ran away. you know what you said to me? "he was
innocent. he did not deserve to be hurt like that"
now think about that statement for a moment. You. blaming me. For hurting him.
no, you fucking slut.
YOU hurt him.
YOU fucked other people.
YOU lied to him.
YOU cheated on him.
hell,
you were also carrying on with me for years too. you cheated on him
either physically or emotionally with more than one person for ALLLLL
the years you were together.
and yet little denial flavia blamed *ME* for hurting him.
what a fucking joke.
the list goes on and on and one. but one predictable pattern emerges. flavia corderio ruins relationships. you.
you never change. you never fail to fuck things up.
you know what would have been the smart thing to do? i should have dumped your worthless ass years ago.
i should have said "you know what? sure i spent a year in preparation to moving to florida for this whore. sure i wasted thousands already on her. but she is not worth this".
i should have cut you off completely after you gave me the "relationships are not a democracy" speech.
i should have realized right then and there you were never going to learn.
Never learn and never change. Oh but believe me, one thing is certain. I thought that statement was one of the most absurd things i've ever heard in my life. relationships are not a democracy? really? is that really how you viewed them?
that right there should have opened my eyes to the truth. You just have no clue about people and what a healthy, sane relationship should be like.
but back then i was stupid. i loved you. and see, my love does not mean "i will fuck other people and betray you". my love was the real thing. so what did i do?
I doubt you remember.
For the first 6 months of being in florida I tried to talk to you. I tried calling, I sent emails. I sent you poetry. remember? didn't think so. I tried to hang out at psychology classes hoping maybe I would find you ~somewhere~ just so i could fucking talk to you.
but you ignored me. ignored. a person who loved you. a person who gave you his heart. you treated him like a piece of trash. like something worthless. unwanted.
and for what??? so you could continue living your selfish, self centered whore lifestyle.
know what else i remember? you telling me the day you moved out of his apt. when you FINALLY moved out (and it was not a matter of if but when). that same night, not even waiting a day to pass, you and carol fucked. pattern number 2 emerges. as soon as you break up with one person you hardly wait before jumping into bed with someone else. yeah perfect example of being a pathetic whore. how many times have you done this? you break up, jump into bed with someone else. like clockwork.
lets not forget the fact that you did not leave him for me. a person who uprooted his entire fucking LIFE. no. you soon established that fact as well. everything i ever did was of little value to you. nope. it did not signify anything. it did not mean anything that i took a semester of classes to raise my gpa. then passed the gre to get into grad school. then had to apply and get accepted to that ONE specific school all for my plan to work. do you know the probability of that actually happening? do you know how much i busted my ass to make it happen?
no. you dont and never will. all you cared about was yourself. and whomever you happened to be spreading your legs open for at the time.
Back then i was so fucking stupid.
see, you always made this statement. something like how you didnt want me to put you on a pedestal or whatever. in your simpleton mind, you must have assumed i thought you were infallible. perfect. that you could do no wrong.
hardly.
fact is i thought you were a seriously flawed human being. deeply, seriously flawed. i thought you were a liar. a hypocrite. a slut. but i also cared about you. that was my mistake. caring for a 'person' (and i use that term lightly) such as yourself. my mistake to give you REAL love. REAL kindness. REAL compassion. stupid or maybe naive to think maybe you would realize what i was giving you and become something better.
you really have no idea how much hell you put me through. no fucking clue. you were too busy partying. too busy fucking other people and going to fetish clubs. too busy taking your drugs and getting wasted. one day you showed up at my apartment and your jaw hurt. remember why? because you told me you took ecstasy the night before.
you think its fun to remember all this shit? like how one time you made me promise not to talk to you for 6 months? and i didn't want to agree because i knew you would never keep up your side of the deal? Or how you didn't care what me promising something like that would tear me apart. Or how during that time you told me to look at you, and i told you no. and you were SHOCKED because nobody ever told you no before!
you think i want to remember you at all? or anything? like how for YEARS i kept the ticket stubs from when we went to vizcaya? see, back then, for me time with you was precious. special. meaningful. important. for you it was nothing. for you it was just a small footnote along your story of drugs and fucking other people. i probably would have kept those tickets for many more years if i had not mailed them to you. And yet little did i know that by then you had already left the country. oh and didnt bother to tell me. no. selfish, self centered cunt flavia cordeiro decided to just let me rot in floridahell for however long i managed to last.
the
painfully ironic truth to this is that carol of all people was a hell
of a lot nicer than you ever were to me. imagine that!
by all accounts she and i should have been enemies, but i was surprised when she showed more compassion and care for me and my welfare than you did EVER. sometimes i wonder if she is even still alive because after you fucked her over too she was in terrible shape doing heavy drugs.
you've no idea how much pain you caused. You live in denial about all of it, happily content to just use your next victim. how many nights i laid awake with insomnia writhing in psychological and emotional agony because i knew you didn't care what you were doing to me. because i KNEW you were probably out fucking someone else. because i knew that nothing i ever said or did made any god damn difference.
by all accounts she and i should have been enemies, but i was surprised when she showed more compassion and care for me and my welfare than you did EVER. sometimes i wonder if she is even still alive because after you fucked her over too she was in terrible shape doing heavy drugs.
you've no idea how much pain you caused. You live in denial about all of it, happily content to just use your next victim. how many nights i laid awake with insomnia writhing in psychological and emotional agony because i knew you didn't care what you were doing to me. because i KNEW you were probably out fucking someone else. because i knew that nothing i ever said or did made any god damn difference.
i could stay and nothing would change or i could leave and nothing would change. do you know what that feels like? to know without a doubt that your life, your love, your acts of love, your EVERYTHING, your very existence has less weight than a piece of dog shit you might step in? at least if you step in dog shit you stop and scrape it off. i could not even make that much difference.
but no, of course not. of course you would have no idea. let me ask you something, how many hundreds of nights do you think you made me cry? or how many hundreds of nights you made me wish for death, for the pain to just end.
there were YEARS when i would leave my apartment door unlocked hoping, PRAYING someone would break in and kill me. there were nights when i wished my mom would have aborted me, and saving me YEARS of pain and emotional anguish you caused me.
but hey. none of that matters. all that matters is those pathetic animals you try to save and whoever you are letting you fuck at the moment. your actions, the pain you caused, none of it is of consequence to you. all the lies you spoke. all the broken promises. you wont ever atone. you wont ever apologize. you wont ever try to change your ways. you wont ever try to accept responsibility for anything you did. that was clear as day. finally.
honestly sometimes i am grateful you got yourself supposedly pregnant. because FINALLY, then and there i FINALLY realized what kind of person you would forever be. and that you would always blame others. and FINALLY after a decade of this shit, woke up and realized what i needed to do.
i needed to get rid of you once and for all. for good. because you are nothing but a toxic hell in my life. and as long as i kept forgiving you, as long as i kept giving you chance after chance, you would keep fucking other people and hurting me. keep breaking promise after promise. keep doing what you typically do.
but quite honestly the truth was there the day you ran out of that hotel crying. the day you discarded our relationship so easily. how you hung up on me in mid-sentence when you FINALLY let me talk to you after 6 months. how you responded "because i can" when i asked you point blank why you hurt me.
the flags were there years ago. but i was stupid. i kept loving you and hoping you would change.
you dont know how many times i would wish for you to just ONCE act like a normal person.
so much for unconditional love, right?
what the hell do you know about it?
your definition of "love" is to be a lying whore and sleeping around.
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| ME: 2001: Driving all the way to south florida just to talk to you. or, maybe better to say just to try to get you to talk to me. you knew i was coming, but you were hurtful, cruel and a cold-hearted bitch. but i drove there anyway because that is what a person does to prove sincerity. what a person does out of love. it took 15 hours to get there, not that you gave a shit. Or how about the times when i would call you, even in the middle of the night JUST because you would send me an email like "i wish you were around right now". Little did you know that i blew off my friend, made an excuse to go back to my apartment JUST so i could call you. So many, many, many little things i did over the years that you took for granted. | YOU: 2001: You contribute nothing positive to my life or anything of purposeful merit. You Don't let me talk to you. in fact you completely snub me when i drove all 1000 miles to ft.lauderdale and are very mean about it. even threatening me. Nothing but a hurtful tyrant who acted like a spoiled brat when I didn't do what you commanded. Pure and simple, an emotional bully. Right then and there i should have dumped your worthless, ungrateful ass. you did nothing but drink, and do drugs, sleep around when you went to visit you mom for a couple months, and party and act in a stupid selfish manner. this entire year you contributed nothing positive. All you gave in return for my love was just pain. just hurt. what did YOU ever do for ME? |
so much for unconditional love, right?
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| ME: 2002: I went back to college to bump my GPA. all to get into graduate school. i bust my ass because the only way to increase it high enough was to get all As in all my classes, which i somehow managed to do. meanwhile i write stories and poetry to you. one day you tell me about some story that reminded you of me or some dramatic bullshit. And i lapped it up like a dog. Because you deprived me and treated me like shit so much in the past, i thought this was a good sign. I wanted so badly to believe i actually MEANT something, and was not just some disposable 'nothing' to you. So what do i do? i drive three hours to the only library in the state to read that damn Harlan Ellison book. later that year i take the GRE, and pass, then i have to secure thousands of dollars in student loans, then on top of that, i have to actually get ACCEPTED into the ONE grad school that i enroll in. later that year i drive to florida yet again. oh but at least this time you remembered some common courtesy. but i guess it was all fun and games for you, huh. acting all dramatic and running out of hotel rooms crying. you knew i would go after you. i wonder, what would you have done if i had not? what if i said 'fuck her hysterics' and stayed in my room? I doubt anything would have changed. After all, its not like the outcome would have been any different for me. you want to know what i think? the reason you ran out the room crying? because at that time, at that moment, you truly *felt* what it was to be genuinely loved. and it TERRIFIED you. to think, all it took was me gently touching your cheek and you burst into tears and run away. i guess for you it has always been easier to fuck people that are easy to cut/replace. i always knew if you ever crossed that threshold with me it would have been a hell of a lot more difficult for you. | YOU: 2002: You continue to contribute nothing positive to my life. not a single positive thing. you dont *DO* anything for me to prove you even give a damn. Nothing but stringing me along with empty words. How fun it must have been for you, to see me strung along like some love-struck puppet. How stupid I was to think all those things you would say to me actually meant something. Yet deep down you are the same selfish, uncaring bitch. and just party, drink do drugs and other stupid, childish things. You make promises you never keep. like for example how you promised to call me when you were at the airport. which i am SURE you dont even remember. oh, who cares about that, right? well i do. Because of you and that broken promise, i gave up the last chance to see my grandmother alive. god, what a fool i was. to think you actually would keep your word on even the simplest of things. you see this picture?  Can you ever think of a single time that I had smiled like that whn I was around you? No? I wonder why. You give me your best guess why. I don't even remember the last time I smiled like that. Maybe this picture was the last. It seems so strange, so foreign to me to see me smiling like that. Back when I still had something to smile about. That is my grandma, the person who died. The person i blew off seeing in the hospital just so i could get a phone call from you. The call that never happened. When my grandmother died I was taking fucking finals at grad school. and to top it off i did not really want to be there. i hated that school, i hated that city and i hated the people. i was only there because of a person who treated me like i didnt even bloody exist. someone i cared for and who actually cared about me died and i could not even go to the funeral because of it. i hope one day you realize how much i sacrificed for you, but i seriously doubt it. i seriously doubt that you can even comprehend the magnitude of what i had to give up for you. and the astounding thing is that i did it for NOTHING. i have absolutely nothing positive to show for any of it. oh but it gets better. when your worthless boyfriend finds out about me, what do you do? you get rid of me. me of all people! And you and i both know that i did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DESERVE IT!! An ENTIRE YEAR of preparation in order to move my life to florida... FOR WHAT? You could not even do me the common courtesy to even consider my feelings or how i felt. What a fucking slap in the face. to be your goddamn scapegoat. What a damn idiot you were, and would continue to be. you choose to stay with some spineless person who let you walk all over him, and who let you do whatever you damn well pleased, a person whom you had previous cheated on MORE THAN ONCE, and who you always said made you miserable, who you constantly complained about, who was so inept in bed that he probably could not give you an orgasm if you had pages of the kama sutra tattooed onto both your ass cheeks. The list goes on and on. But who gives a shit about clint? obviously not you. obviously since 'relationships are not a democracy'. right? What did you expect me to do? just say "oh ok. well you just fucked me over and threw me under the bus. i guess i'll be going quietly then." sorry but i was never one of your slaves/puppets that just went along with whatever you dictated. thinking back on it, and how awful you were to me. i should have said 'fuck this ungrateful bitch' and turned my car around and drove back to louisiana. and never look back. NEVER fucking look back. Because i deserved a hell of a lot more than what YOU gave me, which was next to zero. But no. instead i was influenced by my love i felt. Back then i still had 'hope' and 'optimism'. lot of good that did, right? you stupid cunt would never comprehend something amazing if it up and drove 1000 miles to florida and stayed there for 3 years and who lived literally a few miles away from you. oh and i will let you in on a little secret. i heard his voice one time. one day i called you and you put me on hold, but for whatever reason i could hear your phone call with him. you want to know what i immediately thought? what a squeaky, slimy, weaselly voice he had. To think you used to drive.. what was it? 3? HOURS? each weekend just so he could screw you. meanwhile in the span of a decade you never did a single thing for me. |
but so much for unconditional love, right?
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| ME: 2003: The first year of hell. the year where i spent most of it alone. in a place where i did not know a single person. all because of some other person. a person who hurt me. refused to even talk to me until 6 months later. a person who only agreed to meet me in october of that year. and only at a specific date for a specific time. 'relationships are not a democracy' remember. it did not matter that i sent you letters. and no, not spiteful, hurtful letters. but letters of love. of compassion. of pouring my heart out. ignored. all of it. but most of all of trying to understand. trying to figure out why you were doing the things you did. trying to figure out why you were causing me so much pain. and what did you tell me one time? "because i can". when you finally agreed to meet me after 10 months i brought you the little endless book. see, even though you treated me like diarrhea for 10+ months, i still thought of you. let me ask you to think for one second how painful do you think it would be for a person to give his all, give everything he had, and yet the other person refused to even SEE you for another 10 months? Although whats the point of asking you such questions. its not like trying to explain all this to you in the past ever made any kind of difference or stopped you from continuing to hurt me. | YOU: 2003: How the hell should i know what you did. other than having sex with carol the first night you moved in together like a good little whore. all i know is what you DID NOT do. like treat me with RESPECT, or to regard or consider any of my feelings or how your actions would hurt me. i was nothing to you. in your world i did not even exist. you made sure of that. out of sight, out of mind. this is when i really started to question what your definition of 'love' meant. in your fucked up world it was perfectly accepted to treat a person you claimed to love in such a way. |
so much for unconditional love, right?
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| ME: 2004: More of the same. at least after a year of constantly trying, you finally start to talk to me again. but it is just bullshit. "there were times when you used to take my breath away but now i realize i was just choking on your bullshit". sound familiar? it should since you posted that on your facebook page. i bet you dont see the irony of that statement. of how it "fits" you perfectly. all you talked about, all the words that came out of your mouth was bullshit. nothing you ever said ever came to fruition. nothing. you were just all false promises. see the thing about you is how after all these years you have become soooo damn predictable. and you think you are sooo cool and sooo much better than anyone else, and sooo wise. but reality could not be further from the truth. you are just a fraud. you are just a sad little attention whore. who likes to play the melodramatic card in order to manipulate people. | YOU: 2004: more of the same. you contribute zero worth or value to my life. Not a single positive thing. Just pain. Just hurting me more and more. Yet still i stayed. Back then i believed in stupid things like honor. I made a promise to you, one i'm sure you had long forgotten by then, despite doing irreparable harm to myself. Meanwhile you continue to do your drugs and act like a child in a grown woman's body. lets see what else. oh the hurricane. remember the hurricane? i do. to think i put myself in mortal harm for you. Sitting through a fucking hurricane! i remember not having electricity for over a week. i also remember the first thing i did when i got it back was write to to see if you were ok. despite the fact that you were a hurtful cunt to me, i still reached out to you compassionately. only to be ripped apart by you once again and then adding insult to injury by calling the cops on me. i guess you were too stupid to realize back then how i was different from you. because when i gave my word, i KEPT IT. and you? your 'promises' were just another means of manipulation. I wonder what goes on in that brain of yours? i wonder how you can live so blissfully care free with such a VAST discrepancy in the things i said and did for you vs. the things you said... and didn't do. When i made you a promise i went far and beyond to fulfill that promise. Regardless of personal feelings, regardless of personal consequence, regardless of the pain it would put me through. notice the trend you were setting? |
so much for unconditional love, right?
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ME: 2005:
due to the overwhelming destructive, emotional toll by this whole situation, i sank into a massive depression. Consequently i flunk out of grad school. i completely stopped going to classes. i completely gave up on life. hell, sometimes i would not even leave my room for a week or longer. i literally not go outside. why? because of you. because of all the terrible things you were doing to me. because when you DID say something to me it was just more and more abusive, hurtful things. little did i know you would eventually leave the country but not before leaving your 'mark' (or maybe i should say stain). and goes without saying how you didn't even have the common courtesy to tell me. no, you just left me there to rot in florida. And as stupid as this sounds, during this time i remember having some absurd fantasy about you. About how one day you would show up at my door, about how you would apologize, and tell me how you had come to realize all the hurtful things you had done to me were wrong, how you would beg me for another chance, because it finally dawned on you how you were -this- close to ruining the best thing to ever happen to you... and that you would promise (and this time mean it) that you would work to make amends for everything you had done. obviously none of that ever happened. back then you had my address and my phone number. i knew you had it b/c my friend sent it to you. you know the one. she only told me after she had done it. ever wonder why she did that? or why she would try to call and talk to you, despite the fact that you were such an absolute, rude, cunt to her? maybe, just maybe it was b/c she could see how much pain i was in. how many times i would talk to her about ending my life. i think anyone who would be put in that situation would have tried to do something to help. and all she could do is call you and hope somehow to get through to that self centered, self absorbed, lying, hypocritical brain of yours. i wonder what you would have done (if anything) if i had gone through with your request and slit my wrists? "make sure to slit your wrists vertically instead of horizontally" finally as a last ditch effort she contacted my mom. One day they called to tell me there were down and wanted to see me. this was completely out of the blue. Eventually she confessed that she told my mom i was suicidal. i remember being furious with her, because i DID NOT want them to know anything about the situation i was in. i DID NOT want them to know about how you completely fucked up everything, all my goals, plans, hopes, aspirations. everything. But I was mostly mad because i wanted to die. And now i had to put on a 'happy face' and pretend my life was not absolutely obliterated. in reality if i had killed myself in 2005 it would have saved me another 5+ years of pain, anguish and heartbreak. | YOU: 2005: well finally you leave carol. or maybe she got tired of your shit and left you. and like typical flavia fashion you jump into bed with the next closest person you knew. i guess you dont see how much of a fucked up whore you are to be playing revolving doors with people like that, but seriously i dont give a shit anymore. all i know is you fucked your best friends ex-boyfriend. gee what a shocker. you want to know a secret? i knew you would. i KNEW years prior. one day you told me you, heather and her then boyfriend were doing some acid and some other shit. know what my immediate gut feeling was at that time? i wondered if you fucked him. you know why people get gut feelings? maybe it is intuition based on habits of people. and fast forward to 2005, and yep. you fucked him. and to add insult to injury (but by then it was like beating a dead horse) you gave him the same book as you gave me. the cherry on the top was when you admitted to me later how "he reminded me so much of you". what, was i suppose to be flattered? you fucking another loser asshole that REMINDED you of me?? yeah. what a nice, warm fuzzy feeling that gave me. i think after i learned what you did, i really started to come around to the realization of just what a nasty slut you really were. And how much of it you had kept from me. it is one thing to fuck people but another to fuck the ex boyfriend of your 'supposed' best friend. that is fucking disgusting. but i bet you didnt care when he had his dick in your mouth did you. Sometimes i wondered how you could justify your actions. i wonder what lies you told yourself when you went to those 'make out' clubs in brazil. i doubt that is all people were doing in there. |
so much for unconditional love. yeah, what did that ever get me but more abuse from you?
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2006:
You did not say a single word to me despite my numerous attempts to get you to talk to me. guess you were too busy banging Saulo again, after you moved back down to your dirty, corrupt 3rd world country. You know what i think? You actually enjoy being treated like a throwaway piece of ass and nothing more. If any respectable man ever knew about all the shit you did, I seriously doubt they would want anything else from you. No half-decent man would ever want to have a serious relationship with "used goods" like yours. Guess that also explains the bottom of the barrel choices you've made in men your entire life.
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2007:
We'll call this the time when i tried to forgive the past, all the pain you caused, and all the whoring you did. When i tried to give you another chance. The difference from this time compared to all the other years was that by now i finally realized what a horrible, fucked up person you were. You had established that fact quite well by then. But i foolishly let myself believe you had changed, that you were a different person. That you had finally grown up.
You would give me these long-winder, dramatic emails about this and that and about wanting us to "trust" one another again etc etc. Or how about the time when you said "i am not all that, to be sleeping around and cheating on people like a slut". yeah. you really had me fooled back then.
Inevitably you just ended up doing the same crap you always did. Sleep around like some dirty whore, lie, kick me out of your life (because you looooved so much to make me your scapegoat for everything and punish me for no reason).
Ultimately you proved, and not for the last time, that you had not changed a bit and that you were exactly the same selfish, immature, self absorbed, inconsiderate cunt you always were. You obviously did not care how your actions effected me. You never once took my feelings into consideration.
And then one day you decided to go on a trip with your aunt. I think it was for a week. Do you remember that? I do. And when you cane back you told me how you had "sooooo much fun" and how "i hardly got any sleep" *wink* *wink*
my immediate reaction to this was "i wonder who she fucked this time?"
and just like clockwork things started to change when you got back. When you got back i remember asking you a simple question "did you miss me?" and there was a pause. silence. too long. i knew something was up. it felt almost forced by you to say 'yes'. But at the time i was fairly sure you did not really mean it. Then before i could say anything more you made some excuse that you had things to take care of, oh but you promised to talk to me later. a promise, that you unsurprisingly, ended up breaking.
one day turned into two. two into 3. As the days mounted the feeling became stronger and stronger. that something had happened. my suspicions about what you had done on that trip grew stronger and stronger. but most telling was the overwhelming feeling of Deja vu. I knew where this was headed and i hoped to god that i was wrong.
but of course i wasn't.
when you finally got around to talking to me again you made some lame excuse "going through some stuff" gee what a shocker. You must not have remembered that was basically the code for "i am kicking you out of my life. again". And i was right, as usual.
This time i didn't fight you.
Compared to all the previous years, how i fought and bled and cried my soul out begging, pleading NOT to do THIS! You have no idea just how draining that kind of fight is. but for years i fought for something i felt so strongly in.... and for what. up until that point i failed time and again. and by this time i was tired.
tired of being unappreciated.
tired of being lied to.
tired of you never really caring what and how your actions would effect me.
So i gave up. i let you go do whatever you wanted to do. you ALWAYS got your way regardless.
You Do realize that, don't you? that never, not ONCE, EVER in TEN fucking YEARS did you do anything FOR me. not once!
And yet there i was, again. Playing the part of the ignorant fool. trying to be supportive, unaware of the REAL reasons. You played me well. I bet it even confused you "why is clint being so nice to me? why is he being so patient and caring and kind? if he only knew the truth, that i fucked someone else..."
yeah. if ONLY i knew the truth. if only i had known what an amazing liar you were. But when i think back on all these years, one truth stands above the rest. God, what an absolute whore you are. Its really astounding how much you've fucked with complete disregard for the people you supposedly loved. Equally astounding how much you've lied about it all and pretended it never happened.
It only dawned on me years later, when you told me you were supposedly pregnant, that i finally cracked the code.
"i am going through some stuff" or "i need time alone" REALLY meant "i fucked someone and i dont know how to tell you and i feel guilty so i am going to kick you out of my life so i dont have to feel guilty about it"
unfortunately for me i remember dozens of times that you told me one variation or another of this same phrase. i remember every.damn.thing.
All those times, all those years. Meanwhile compassionate clint, loving clint, sympathetic clint UNAWARE of the reality of your world. Every aspect of me was used, abused, then coldly discarded without a second thought or care. JUST LIKE YOUR DAD that apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it.
My writing speaks the truth. unlike you and your words. unlike your life of lies. name one time i ever lied compared to the uncountable number you have told.
But just as how you were an absolute whore, i was an absolute fool. Because deep down i still loved you. When you kicked me out of your life what did i do? Well before you did that, i gave you one thing. I doubt you remember.
Regardless of your actions, i was always thinking of you. During you week of partying and fucking -whomever- i on the other hand was working on something for you. Something from the heart. I had wanted to give you something, make you a surprise when you returned.
I did not know a single line of css code before i started. But during that week i learned enough to make what i did. The my delirium site. "that is the most beautiful thing anyone has ever done for me" you said. but obviously that changed nothing. Just like everything else i had done for all those years.
you never done anything even remotely similar for me. and you never will. the closest i ever got was "just because i never put you first before in the past, does not mean i won't now" (to which you soon after promptly fucked someone else and supposedly got pregnant).
none of this, not my feelings, not my creations, not my words, nothing changed the outcome of your decision. you left. this time i did not stop you. and because i still loved you, i suffered alone. and suffered. and suffered.
many months later i stumbled upon your orkurt page. And those pictures of you and that teenage boy toy of yours. Pictures of you riding on his fucking back like a damn horse. Pictures of you spanking his ass of all things. Oh and 'bejos' lots and lots of those words written to him.
I wonder about something. How is it so EASY for you to rip the heart out of someone? how is it so EASY for you to hurt someone so much, but keep going about your life like some innocent angel. How was it so EASY for you all kinds of things for other people? yet when it came to me you did nothing but hurt and cause pain and discard and deny.
you don't know the first thing about what it is like to really love someone. let alone unconditional love.
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2008:
you were apparently too busy screwing your teenage boy toy to ever think of me. i mean, really? you were almost 30 and yet were screwing some teenager??! how pathetic. But as your track record proved time and time again, you have done nothing BUT make stupid decisions all throughout your life.
oh wait, how could i forget. your infamous email to me out of the blue one day: "i was at some party with some friends and looked outside and saw this moon and there was this song that was playing in the background and i didn't know what it was, but then it dawned on me. that the lyrics contained a poem you sent to me one time"
was i suppose to be flattered? after you had kicked me out of your life and had not said anything to me in almost a whole year?
and then later: "oh but don't think that this means i want you back in my life or anything. because if you were in my life all you could ever be to me was some kind of pet"
of course you would deny ever saying that to me later when i confronted you about it. but it seems about right. the great summation of my entire existence and of what i meant to you... nothing but a pet.
Maybe you never remembered saying that to me because you were high on your drugs. whatever the case, it was quite insulting how you played an innocent angel when i got so mad at you for saying that to me. yeah. i wonder how happy YOU would have been if you had just wasted all those years.. and for what? "nothing but a pet".
so much for unconditional love.
That SHOULD have been the last straw for me. And it nearly was. Only I was too good, too nice, too forgiving. You've no idea how furious your little offhanded comment made me.
but like i said before, it did not matter whether you were around or not. i still had to deal with the damage you had done, while you were conveniently out of the picture doing your drugs and screwing -whomever- at the time. i was always left alone to pick up the pieces, to suffer through the pain, and depression.
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2006:
You did not say a single word to me despite my numerous attempts to get you to talk to me. guess you were too busy banging Saulo again, after you moved back down to your dirty, corrupt 3rd world country. You know what i think? You actually enjoy being treated like a throwaway piece of ass and nothing more. If any respectable man ever knew about all the shit you did, I seriously doubt they would want anything else from you. No half-decent man would ever want to have a serious relationship with "used goods" like yours. Guess that also explains the bottom of the barrel choices you've made in men your entire life.
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2007:
We'll call this the time when i tried to forgive the past, all the pain you caused, and all the whoring you did. When i tried to give you another chance. The difference from this time compared to all the other years was that by now i finally realized what a horrible, fucked up person you were. You had established that fact quite well by then. But i foolishly let myself believe you had changed, that you were a different person. That you had finally grown up.
You would give me these long-winder, dramatic emails about this and that and about wanting us to "trust" one another again etc etc. Or how about the time when you said "i am not all that, to be sleeping around and cheating on people like a slut". yeah. you really had me fooled back then.
Inevitably you just ended up doing the same crap you always did. Sleep around like some dirty whore, lie, kick me out of your life (because you looooved so much to make me your scapegoat for everything and punish me for no reason).
Ultimately you proved, and not for the last time, that you had not changed a bit and that you were exactly the same selfish, immature, self absorbed, inconsiderate cunt you always were. You obviously did not care how your actions effected me. You never once took my feelings into consideration.
And then one day you decided to go on a trip with your aunt. I think it was for a week. Do you remember that? I do. And when you cane back you told me how you had "sooooo much fun" and how "i hardly got any sleep" *wink* *wink*
my immediate reaction to this was "i wonder who she fucked this time?"
and just like clockwork things started to change when you got back. When you got back i remember asking you a simple question "did you miss me?" and there was a pause. silence. too long. i knew something was up. it felt almost forced by you to say 'yes'. But at the time i was fairly sure you did not really mean it. Then before i could say anything more you made some excuse that you had things to take care of, oh but you promised to talk to me later. a promise, that you unsurprisingly, ended up breaking.
one day turned into two. two into 3. As the days mounted the feeling became stronger and stronger. that something had happened. my suspicions about what you had done on that trip grew stronger and stronger. but most telling was the overwhelming feeling of Deja vu. I knew where this was headed and i hoped to god that i was wrong.
but of course i wasn't.
when you finally got around to talking to me again you made some lame excuse "going through some stuff" gee what a shocker. You must not have remembered that was basically the code for "i am kicking you out of my life. again". And i was right, as usual.
This time i didn't fight you.
Compared to all the previous years, how i fought and bled and cried my soul out begging, pleading NOT to do THIS! You have no idea just how draining that kind of fight is. but for years i fought for something i felt so strongly in.... and for what. up until that point i failed time and again. and by this time i was tired.
tired of being unappreciated.
tired of being lied to.
tired of you never really caring what and how your actions would effect me.
So i gave up. i let you go do whatever you wanted to do. you ALWAYS got your way regardless.
You Do realize that, don't you? that never, not ONCE, EVER in TEN fucking YEARS did you do anything FOR me. not once!
And yet there i was, again. Playing the part of the ignorant fool. trying to be supportive, unaware of the REAL reasons. You played me well. I bet it even confused you "why is clint being so nice to me? why is he being so patient and caring and kind? if he only knew the truth, that i fucked someone else..."
yeah. if ONLY i knew the truth. if only i had known what an amazing liar you were. But when i think back on all these years, one truth stands above the rest. God, what an absolute whore you are. Its really astounding how much you've fucked with complete disregard for the people you supposedly loved. Equally astounding how much you've lied about it all and pretended it never happened.
It only dawned on me years later, when you told me you were supposedly pregnant, that i finally cracked the code.
"i am going through some stuff" or "i need time alone" REALLY meant "i fucked someone and i dont know how to tell you and i feel guilty so i am going to kick you out of my life so i dont have to feel guilty about it"
unfortunately for me i remember dozens of times that you told me one variation or another of this same phrase. i remember every.damn.thing.
All those times, all those years. Meanwhile compassionate clint, loving clint, sympathetic clint UNAWARE of the reality of your world. Every aspect of me was used, abused, then coldly discarded without a second thought or care. JUST LIKE YOUR DAD that apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it.
My writing speaks the truth. unlike you and your words. unlike your life of lies. name one time i ever lied compared to the uncountable number you have told.
But just as how you were an absolute whore, i was an absolute fool. Because deep down i still loved you. When you kicked me out of your life what did i do? Well before you did that, i gave you one thing. I doubt you remember.
Regardless of your actions, i was always thinking of you. During you week of partying and fucking -whomever- i on the other hand was working on something for you. Something from the heart. I had wanted to give you something, make you a surprise when you returned.
I did not know a single line of css code before i started. But during that week i learned enough to make what i did. The my delirium site. "that is the most beautiful thing anyone has ever done for me" you said. but obviously that changed nothing. Just like everything else i had done for all those years.
you never done anything even remotely similar for me. and you never will. the closest i ever got was "just because i never put you first before in the past, does not mean i won't now" (to which you soon after promptly fucked someone else and supposedly got pregnant).
none of this, not my feelings, not my creations, not my words, nothing changed the outcome of your decision. you left. this time i did not stop you. and because i still loved you, i suffered alone. and suffered. and suffered.
many months later i stumbled upon your orkurt page. And those pictures of you and that teenage boy toy of yours. Pictures of you riding on his fucking back like a damn horse. Pictures of you spanking his ass of all things. Oh and 'bejos' lots and lots of those words written to him.
I wonder about something. How is it so EASY for you to rip the heart out of someone? how is it so EASY for you to hurt someone so much, but keep going about your life like some innocent angel. How was it so EASY for you all kinds of things for other people? yet when it came to me you did nothing but hurt and cause pain and discard and deny.
you don't know the first thing about what it is like to really love someone. let alone unconditional love.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
2008:
you were apparently too busy screwing your teenage boy toy to ever think of me. i mean, really? you were almost 30 and yet were screwing some teenager??! how pathetic. But as your track record proved time and time again, you have done nothing BUT make stupid decisions all throughout your life.
oh wait, how could i forget. your infamous email to me out of the blue one day: "i was at some party with some friends and looked outside and saw this moon and there was this song that was playing in the background and i didn't know what it was, but then it dawned on me. that the lyrics contained a poem you sent to me one time"
was i suppose to be flattered? after you had kicked me out of your life and had not said anything to me in almost a whole year?
and then later: "oh but don't think that this means i want you back in my life or anything. because if you were in my life all you could ever be to me was some kind of pet"
of course you would deny ever saying that to me later when i confronted you about it. but it seems about right. the great summation of my entire existence and of what i meant to you... nothing but a pet.
Maybe you never remembered saying that to me because you were high on your drugs. whatever the case, it was quite insulting how you played an innocent angel when i got so mad at you for saying that to me. yeah. i wonder how happy YOU would have been if you had just wasted all those years.. and for what? "nothing but a pet".
so much for unconditional love.
That SHOULD have been the last straw for me. And it nearly was. Only I was too good, too nice, too forgiving. You've no idea how furious your little offhanded comment made me.
but like i said before, it did not matter whether you were around or not. i still had to deal with the damage you had done, while you were conveniently out of the picture doing your drugs and screwing -whomever- at the time. i was always left alone to pick up the pieces, to suffer through the pain, and depression.
