I was going to visit my Aunt in the hospital. I did not want to go, but I promised I would do it. She was was not doing well and based on past experiences, I felt I should be there because if i blew it off maybe there would never be another chance. The drive was 3 hours away, but I was in no condition to drive. So my mom drove. Along the way she tried to make smalltalk but it didn't really help. I ended up crying most of the way there. Uncontrollable crying. Sobbing. I tried to turn my head so my mom would not see, but it is hard to ignore something like that inside a vehicle. She did not say anything. She knew there was nothing she could do for me. I just could not make myself stop crying. I was so heartbroken. Again. Many times over the years I was made to feel this way, mostly gone unnoticed, unaware by anyone else. This time was the worst. It was the final straw. Year by year, everything I had ever wanted was slowly, methodically taken from me. All my hopes and dreams, goals. Wishes, desires. All of it. But I always had the trump card, one thing I knew you would never take and give to anyone else. A family. And now that too was gone and given to someone else. Everything was gone.
I tried my best to make myself presentable for my aunt. I tried to put on a good face, but within a few minutes of being there I had to get out. The grief was overwhelming. I was never good at pretending. I went into her bathroom, sat on the toilet, and tried my best to muffle the sound of my crying. From the other room I could faintly hear my mom tell my Aunt what had happened. I never wanted it to be this way. I had always imagined I would have happy things to tell my family about you, but after 10 years they did not know anything about you until the end and I could no longer keep it from them.
They did not know I spent 10 years of my life, struggling for something. They did not know the real reason I went to Florida, the did not know the reason I flunked out of grad school, or came back home. Only after I gave my mom the email in 2010 where you told me you were pregnant did she know anything about you. Sad isn't it. Not one other time in all those years was I able to tell them something good about you. I kept waiting for that moment but it never came.
On the way back from the hospital my mom wanted to stop somewhere to shop. I did not feel like it, so I stayed in the car. From the parking lot I could see people come and go. One person parked right next to our car and got out with a small baby. I tried my best to ignore it, but even the mere sight of one felt like my soul was being ripped out of my body. I managed to stop crying before my mom got back.
This was just one day of my life.
