look at it close. Take a good look. You have no idea what it is so i will tell you.
THAT is my dad's stock room. THAT is the bed where i slept and where i lived for nearly a year.
WHY? all because of you.
always doing things for you.
i needed to save up as much money as possible for my move to florida. So that is where i slept every night.
THAT is where i literally sat and waited the PHONE CALL you promised you would make from the airport. i sat on the side of that bed, waiting. waiting. waiting.
THAT is where i read the angry candy book after driving 6 hours round trip to the ONLY fucking library in the STATE that had the damn thing.
through all of this decade you never appreciated a fucking thing i did or put myself through for you. You have never treated me or my feelings with respect. PRINCESS WHOREDEIRO always did whatever she damn well pleased.
You had a CHOICE!!!
and every goddam time you chose to act selfishly. to fuck someone else and to ruin what we had. dick after dick after dick. Ever wonder how many gallons of sperm you have had deposited into you over the years?
and you know what? being a selfish slut is reason enough to hate you for the rest of my life.
acting without a conscious and meanwhile at the same time depriving me of so much. Deprived me emotionally. Deprived me physically. deprived me of even basic things most people take for granted. *WE* certainly dont have ANY stories that dont involve pain you caused. or you fucking someone else. DO YOU REALIZE THAT??? How you fucking R-U-I-N RELATIONSHIPS?!
there are so many things you will never see. never experience. things i wanted, wished and hoped for but never shared.
so much that i did for you but you never knew about and will never appreciate. So many things you missed out on in your life because of you stupidity and selfishness.
years pass and things vanish. People die. And you have missed countless opportunities. and never even knew about them, or how magical or special they were. parts of myself and parts of my life you will never know.
gone. just like me.
i was the greatest thing to never happen to you. and i have no doubt that you will gloss over this sentence b/c you are too stupid to comprehend it. you really are stupid when you think about all the things you have said and done to me over the years. but that is neither here nor there and i doubt you will remember any of it. how convenient.
so who cares, right? who cares i literally put years of my life on hold for you. who cares about everything i had sacrificed. Who cares how badly I kept trying to share something special with you. all that matters is YOU in your selfish world. oh, sorry, and those stupid dogs.
"the more i know people the more i like animals"
hey, i have a slogan too "the more i know people the more i am convinced they are nothing but dirty, filthy whores with no conscious that lie and cheat and have no regard for the feelings of other people".
Thanks for teaching me that lesson. That people, especially YOU, have no redeeming value at all.
YOU CANNOT IMAGINE HOW EMBARRASSING AND HUMILIATING IT IS TO LOVE SOMEONE, AND CARE FOR THEM, TO BE THERE FOR THEM, to do things out of the kindness of your heart and with Sincerity AND YET HAVE THAT SAME PERSON LIE TO YOUR FUCKING FACE AND ACT LIKE A STUPID, S-E-L-F-I-S-H LITTLE WHORE WITH NO CONSCIOUS.
all the sacrifices i made for you. all the years i wasted. all for what. You tell me what was it all for. What did I get out of it. i gave up so many things all for your worthless ass. You have no god damn idea the extent. and you wont ever know half of it because you were never around. you never saw what i did or went through. and i really don't feel like telling you.
And let me be clear. all those years i kept giving you chance after chance? it was not because of anything YOU did. no. it was because i kept HOPING you would STOP being a predictable, pathetic, disappointing, hurtful failure. you never surprised me. you were always so fucking predictable.
You were always so willing to spread your legs open for anyone at any time. "its easier to let them have sex with me than to tell them no" i'm sure you dont remember telling me that either. but i do. i remember every stupid thing you ever said and did. gosh! i must be the luckiest person alive to have a memory like that.
but little did i know at the time was how dirty you were and you never used condoms. maybe if i had known that little fact much sooner i would not have wasted so many years on trash like you. you are probably a walking STD by now. in many ways i consider myself lucky i never stuck my dick in that sewer you call a vagina.
here lets do a little test. name ONE person other than me that you told 'no' to. name ONE other person who you turned down and did not fuck. ONE person who you did not let treat you like some sperm dumpster.
btw ever wonder why i never remember any 'good' things you did? maybe, just MAYBE because everything you did was tainted by you being a stupid whore and fucking someone at the time.
you know what else? i am 10000000% positive you N-E-V-E-R would have told me you fucked your teenage boy toy of yours AGAIN if you had not supposedly gotten pregnant. You would have continued to lie to me for all eternity. Just like all the other times you kept me in the dark, while sucking all the good things out of me.How pathetic you treat people that you supposedly "love" in such a manner.
i suppose i should not be all surprised what kind of DISHONEST person you are. after all, you are a spitting image of your father. a liar, a cheat, and adulterer. apple does not fall far from the tree does it?
if ever you one day feel like being HONEST with yourself for once, then how about you start with that! start with the FACT that you sleep around and LIE to people you CLAIM to care about. Start there. But i seriously doub't you'll ever admit the truth and be honest with yourself. You would probably kill yourself if you admitted all the horrors you caused to other people.
want to know something interesting? after thousands of dollars of therapy sessions, after talking with many professionals, psychologists, psychologists etc? they all arrive at the same conclusion. that you are a fucking nutcase. and they are astounded, ASTOUNDED that i had the mental and emotional stamina put up with your worthless, lying, emotionally dysfunctional self for as long as i did.
But they, like you, will never really know what kind of hell i went through.
Btw, hey remember that time when you asked me to take some kind of psychology survey for your class? Doubt it. it was around the time when you also had to act out some kind of stupid play or whatever for your class. no, i doubt you'd remember that either. Maybe if you laid off the drugs you would remember more.
know what i was doing during that time? Since i didnt have my own internet i would draw. each night before sleep i would draw stuff. sometimes if i didnt feel like drawing i would even work on the book i was making. there was actually going to be 2 books. i came up with this other idea that i would make a book out of all the correspondence we sent each other. "the book of us". a book of memories. of fears and hopes and in the end there would have been a happy ending b/c i knew for sure we would end up together. how fucking romantic.
back then sometimes you would sign your emails at the bottom with 'us'. back then i used to pretend that meant something. just like i would pretend it meant something when you called me 'sweety' and how i ignored the fact that you called just about every goddamn stranger that as well. the difference between me lying to myself, and you? I WANTED TO BELIEVE. i wanted to fucking believe in something, that you were a good person.
guess i was wrong, huh.
little did i know at the time how all those probably millions upon millions of words would be worthless to you. would not make any difference. how you proved time after time AFTER TIME how my life and existence was meaningless to you. how you proved without a shadow of a doubt how you had ZERO RESPECT for me and how i felt. that everything i went through for you was of no consequence. that you would literally FUCK it all away.
but see back then i cherished those emails at the time. i wanted to believe. i remember sometimes i would read your emails 3-4 times, trying to glean every bit of information out of them. you had me feeding out of your palm, and i'm sure you were well aware. i'm sure your little ego was sooo inflated by all the stuff i would write to you. back then i felt what we had was meaningful. important. that *I* was meaningful and important. that it could be the most important thing of our lives.
you saw to it that it wasnt.
I did other stupid things like pay attention to what you would tell me. I remember listening to you about something you told me one day. then i remember making a mental note to myself that if we were ever together, if we ever got a house one day, that i would get you your very own room. it could be a study, it could have been an anything room. but it would be YOUR room. and yours alone. because i remembered how you would tell me how you would wish you had more space to yourself. see, i remembered shit like that.
you know what conclusion i ultimately came to? that i was nothing but an emotional fluffer for you. you would come to me when you needed your ego pumped. then when you had your fill you would discard me, and unceremoniously toss me out of your life. again and again and again AND AGAIN. what a fool i was to believe all your bullshit. To believe you were being sincere. what an idiot i was to love someone like you in the first place.
you would come to me with your stupid problems, when you felt bad, when you were miserable, when you were 'going through something' and *I* would be there for you. *I* would be there with love and support, and try to do whatever i could to help because i cared. And what did YOU do? WHAT DID YOU DO. what the fuck did you ever do F-O-R me.
when you told me you got knocked up like a common piece of trash you should have flown your ass here and BEGGED me to forgive you. but nope. instead you threw the blame on ME. what a goddamn fool you are & that ugly tattoo suits you well.
you, the fool. me the stupid dog trying to prevent you from walking blindly off the edge.
i cant believe i wasted a DECADE of my life on someone like you. i cant believe i PUT MY LIFE ON HOLD FOR YEARS waiting and waiting and waiting for you to come to your fucking senses. what a blind fool i was to think you would ever grow up. The fact alone that you were fucking teenage boys was proof of your level of mental and emotional maturity.
did i ever get so much as a THANK YOU? no.
did i ever get so much as RESPECT? no. APPRECIATION????
you know what we call brown skinned trailer trash like yourself? roaches. and it really fits. everything you do, everything you say is garbage. it has zero worth, merit or respectability. GARBAGE. you lay on your back and let men shoot their junk into you. time after time AFTER TIME. oh but you hide it so well. you like to pretend you are soooo superior.
A roach. that is all you ever are and ever will be.
there was a time when i wished you would come back to america. but you know what? now? you dont deserve to live in this country. no, you should stay with "your kind". what better place for a roach to live than in a dirty, 3rd world, corrupt country full of unethical, lying, immoral back-stabbing 'people' like yourself?
roaches.
everything good you touch turns to shit. everything loving. what is love to you? love is just another leverage point for you to use/abuse/take advantage of someone.
"The more i know people the more i like animals". i wonder if you ever say that to yourself when looking in the mirror.
what could have been the most amazing story we could have told our grandkids one day? ended up being nothing but a story of some seriously psychologically flawed person who contributed nothing to society, caused nothing but tremendous pain and suffering, oh but had a 'knack' of ruining every. single. relationship. she was ever in. congrats.
you had choices.
you CHOSE to do wrong, hurtful things time after time.
you CHOSE to fuck other losers and disregard my feelings.
you CHOSE to disregard me and disrespect how i felt.
you CHOSE to leave me to rot in florida.
You CHOSE to be a selfish little liar.
i'll never know if you just enjoyed hurting me or just didnt give a damn. but whatever the reason one thing is clear: you did not have a conscious or any guilt about what you were doing to me. no normal, sane person would act the way you did.
--------------------------------------------------------------
there i was, trying to get you to have something so simple as a bloody civil conversation, and you instead would rather cut me with your words. how much of my soul do you think you cut away over the years? how much of my personality did you flay. all of it. old clint is gone. the days of being 'squishy' or wanting to bite cheeks and fingertips are long gone. you probably dont even fucking remember those days. but i do. and when i think of them? it seems like a completely different person.
clint the artist. clint the passionate guy. clint who bent over backwards to prove his worth and love to some slut. no more. love. no more. kindness. no more. drawings of moons with vines. nothing. no more pity. no more sincerity. no more compassion. none. the only thing left is bitterness and hatred.
if only you had even the slightest CLUE of how much i loved you, and how much of myself i gave and sacrificed. but you dont. sure, tell alllll your friends how 'psycho' i am. make yourself to be the 'victim' out of all this. we both know the truth, whether you want to admit it or not. you KILLED it. you CAUSED it. but you never will, will you. you dont know what love really is. your "version" is so fucking distorted that you think it is perfectly fine to sleep around like a dirty slut. shrug it off. then throw it all in the person's face that you just hurt.
You probably don't even remember how nice and sweet and charming i used to be once upon a time. ever wonder why that all went away? gee. guess. take a good guess whoredeiro.
but, no, you live in so much self denial that you probably BELIEVE it was all my fault. right? and maybe it was. my fault FOR STAYING AS LONG AS I DID. for giving you literally hundreds of chances, and hoping for once in your pathetic life you would act like a goddamn normal person, and not some selfish cunt.
i guess when you told me "even if we were together it would not be forever" i should have known you what really meant. "even if we were together i wont hesitate to fuck other people and cheat on you any chance i get". how ironic that you supposedly would "rather read a good book" and yet for some reason ONE dick was never enough for you.
you are such a fucking hypocrite.
---------------
"no clint. i dont want you to become some frat boy party guy. i detest those kinds of people. oh and i hate muscles too. i hate all those beefy muscular men. stay just the way you are"
years down the road i find pictures of you hanging off the back of a muscular fratty beach boy. complete with a gay earring of all things.
---------------
"hm. durrr. i think, maybe i only, like, maybe had casual sex, like uhhh once in my life. and it sucked"
no. you stupid in-denial slut. only in your dissociative fucked up head of yours. FACT is you've had PLENTY of casual sex, throughout your lifetime. but only a person like you would compulsively lie to even yourself!
every person you fucked that you were not in a relationship with? casual!
every person you fucked while visiting your mom? casual!
every person you fucked outside of your supposed monogamous relationship? casual!
every person you fucked while they visited you for two weeks? casual!
does not bloody matter if they were ex-boyfriends/girlfriends, raccoons, whatever. ANY person you cheated on? C-A-S-U-A-L. casual. casual!!! get that through your stupid pea brain of yours.
---------------
"haha. no. i dont do dates"
years later: "let me tell you the story of how while on a date some guy fake proposed to me in a restaurant. he even had a video camera."
----------------
"gosh. can you believe heather? how could she do something like that to her boyfriend? not only cheat on him but get pregnant too?" (yeah. you went on and on and said lots of disparaging remarks)
i dont think i need to point out yet another example of hypocrisy.
----------------
"hey clint, if you find this old, obscure movie that i saw when i was 9, but dont remember the name, or plot, or anything about it, but i will be soooo grateful. i will marry you! oh but you have to be good at giving back rubs too"
and after searching god knows how many fucking hours yet somehow managing to find it???
"wow! i'm amazed! i cant believe you found it! oh btw i was just joking about all that stuff. haha. well i dont really appreciate it so i'm going to kick you out of my life now and go fuck other people."
how convenient you have selective amnesia. But fact is that 99% of your stupid life stories involve some person you fucked.
flavia drives 3+ hours each weekend to melbourne.
flavia buys carol a $500 dog.
flavia stays in the hospital taking care of her beloved saulo when he got the flu for 2 weeks.
flavia is sooooo gracious. such a wonderful person.
i challenge you to think of ONE thing you actually did FOR me. one thing where you actually went out of your way *FOR* me. and something that was not overshadowed by you either fucking someone else, or treating me like a used tampon afterward.
we both know you never will.
never have.
never, not a single goddamn thing.
Meanwhile all i ever got was a lifetime of:
"because i can"
"sometimes i know its the wrong thing to do but i do it anyway"
"hey clint, here is this little prince book. what? no, i gave it to someone else too so it doesnt mean a damn thing"
"go slit your wrists"
"you can be in my life, but only like a pet"
"how many presents are you going to bring me?"
"so much for unconditional love"
yet despite all those years of broken promises and emotional torture *I* was the one who kept trying. despite you sending me vile, hurtful, emotionally threatening emails for years *I* was the one who kept engaging you. *I* was the one who tried to get you to reconsider.
Did you ever fucking realize that??!
or how much that took out of me? how much of my soul you drained?
*I* was the one who practically pleaded with you time and again to open your fucking eyes! or get a fucking conscious! who kept giving you chances to prove yourself because maybe just MAYBE one day you would surprise me and act like a normal person. and why. did you ever ask yourself W-H-Y?
there was a time when i wanted you so badly to figure it out. why. why does clint do what he does for you. why does he put himself through all that shit, and time after time he keep picking himself up off the floor of devastation. trying and failing time after time. well it does not matter anymore. as if it ever did.
there is this saying that someone only realizes what they lose after it is gone. apparently whoever said that never met a person like you. you wont ever see what you ruined or who you hurt or even feel guilt about it. because sociopaths dont feel remorse or guilt. the only thing you ever proved is to this day is that you remain a selfish, self centered fraud. hell, you probably have NO CLUE why i am still furious at you after all this time.
but hey, you have more important things to think about when you live a successful chain-smoking, casual sex, kim kardashian premadonna- attention whore-druggy-dog-saving fulfilling life, right?
i REALLY wish you would have gotten knocked up a lot sooner. it sure would have saved me a lot of time and effort. and years. and tens of thousands. and thousands more in drugs for my depression and therapy sessions. i wish to god i had never moved to florida, or put years of my life on hold for you! years you did not even appreciate!
but of course since you live in perpetual denial you wont ever acknowledge the fact that i literally, and i mean LITERALLY put my fucking LIFE on hold. for you.
not that any of that matters.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
December 2006 i wanted to die. How many times do you think i considered doing what you told me? "slit your wrists but make sure to do it vertically not horizontally"
i was living alone, literally in this garage. it had a concrete floor. no kitchen and a bathroom the size of a small closet. it was walled off and tucked away behind a house. during the summer many bugs would hatch and crawl out into the room from the cracks in the thin wood paneling. i think they were termites b/c the whole structure was wood. i lived there for 3 years. December 2006 i laid in my small bed and was in pain. see that is what you dont get, and will never understand. it did not matter if you were around or not. the pain still lingered. for years. and years. AND YEARS! like ripples when you throw a rock in some water.
you were out, living your life. having a grand ol' time. doing drugs, fucking people, all without a care in the world! meanwhile i had to live and try to manage the ruin that you brought upon my life.
and in December that was such a night. pain. so much pain, more than usual amount, because by then i had been accustomed to a certain amount of daily pain. But that night? i just wanted it to stop. i did not care how. i just wanted my torment to end.
it was the middle of night. i had developed bad insomnia over the years. many nights i could not sleep b/c of the emotional pain you brought upon me. i would just toss and turn and writhe in agony. i bet your fucked up ego will get a kick out of that. and yes it was that bad. one night in december 2006 i was in so much pain i prayed. Yes, me the atheist, prayed. i called out for god to 'please do something!'. i did not care what. just anything to take the pain away.
and then not soon after you sent me an email out of the blue. "i want to tie up some loose ends" you told me. nice to know i was nothing but a loose end. and then we talked... and talked more. and more which somehow turned into a couple months. one thing stood out: you gave some shitty speech about wanting to trust each other again. you probably don't remember any of this b/c your words were always words of convenience, while mine were sincere and from the heart.
the mistake i made was believing you.
and we both know how that ended. your so called desire for 'trust' evaporated very soon after. you never once backed up ANY of your empty words with action.
when i was younger only i thought it was a phase. and that if i could somehow show you there was something amazing out there, that you would take it. boy was i wrong. you proved time and again that you are incapable of having SANE, NORMAL, HEALTHY relationships with HUMANS so you resort to animals. oh and casual sex with throwaway men.
oh, but actually, I really hope that you keep smoking. And please keep tanning yourself to the point of looking like a black person. Oh and i hope are still doing drugs, and having more unprotected sex. no, really. please keep living the life "to the fullest" like you claim. Because sooner or later it will catch up to you. And the more you do them, the greater the change of getting lung cancer, an STD or skin cancer. and then maybe, just maybe you'll finally have to face the consequences of your actions!
And let me tell you, i have seen someone in my family die of cancer first hand. And it was the most excruciating pain i have ever seen someone go through. He was on morphine and still was suffering badly. with any luck and your blatant stupidity maybe you will contract that as well. and really, you must be quite stupid b/c you of all people, who had a grandfather die from those cancer sticks.
it used to hurt me so much seeing you damage yourself in such a way but honestly i dont care what you do anymore. i just hope you keep killing yourself. i bet you wont last past 40. you had choices. you chose to kill yourself with smoking. you chose to have unprotected sex countless times. Or i guess little miss denial thought she was bulletproof? If there is any justice in the universe you will one day suffer for the pain and misery equal to what YOU have caused other people.
