Devalued.
That is the best word to describe you. You probably won't ever realize this, but that is exactly what you did. You devalued your body, with all the drugs and poisons you took, all the people you slept with, all those god-awful ugly tattoos. You devalued your words, with all your lies and broken promises. You essentially made yourself nothing. How can anyone respect you? How can anyone believe what you say? You did it willingly, destructively. And you pulled me down with you because I was too stupid to let go. Sometimes I wonder what happens to the dog that is holding on to the fool's leg. Does he go over the edge as well.
For years I thought *I* was the worthless one. Clint, the 'worthless fool' I used to call myself. almost every night, alone. confused. hurt. ignored. Oh, except, only when you needed an ego boost, then i was 'allowed' back in your life for a brief time. Isn't that true, Flavia. You only used and took, and then? you never gave. you never offered. Oh but you gave PLENTY to others. To people who never did half of what I did for you, for 'this', for us. I was like some animal, some nothing.
No, you were even nicer to animals, weren't you.
worthless fool.
worthless fool.
WORTHLESS fool.
Again and again those words were pounded into my head. And yet the truth is you were the worthless one. You ruined yourself. All I did was make the biggest mistake of my life, for trying so hard it ruined me. By daring to love someone like you. You take a look at the person I was. Then you will see it. If for once you can look at something without lying to yourself and going into full denial.
Then you will see how anyone else would have given you up to the garbage. The struggle to keep going, that crushing weight, despite everything you did to me? And bloody EVERYONE telling me you were a selfish, psycho cunt. For me, what *I* felt was important. MY words, MY actions meant SOMETHING. And yours? What did any of your words or actions amount to? Devalued nothings. They might as well had never existed.
For what seemed like almost every night during a span of 10 years, I would think of you. It was all I COULD do, since you were off doing whatever with whomever. Pathetic, isn't it. Some pathetic hero who lost, whom you finally beat and broke for good. But for years and years, probably every night before I went to sleep unless, I would think of all the things you never gave me a chance to say in person. To express myself, to express my love, pain, my confusion about why you were doing these things to me. The suffering you caused. It became a habit, a routine. I only had myself and nothing else. I don't think you really will ever understand what that was like for me. Or how completely alone I was.
Only recently in the past 5 years have I slowly changed. For a few years I still thought of you, only instead it was pure hate. Revulsion. for what you did. for your actions, your lies. And you deserved every bit of it. But then slowly over time even the hate thoughts went away and now I hardly think of you at all. But I will never fully escape the nightmares. Sometimes I can go the entire day w/o giving you a single thought. And yet as I sleep, for whatever reason I will have a nightmare about you. The most painful nightmare I could possibly have. When I wake up my whole day will be ruined because of it. And the next and the next. And so on. The memories will come crashing back down on me.
