I'm sure you would never remember, since I did all of the work and effort and you did nothing, but literally, during this time 10 years ago, i was in my first semester in florida. at that crappy school FAU in that crappy city full of rude people and pollution. Despite the fact that it has been 10 years i still remember most of it like it was yesterday. And unfortunately every single painful moment that you caused. The route i would take to get to class. commercial blvd, then onto i-95, then south to broward exit. past the library, turn right and onto the 4th level of the parking garage. Practically every day i would drive the same route.
It is unfortunate how i cannot forget even if i want to. I remember the trip down there and how I drove most of the day to get there. Hell i even remember this can of raisins i took with me and munched on as i drove. I remember trying my best to ignore the melbourne signs as i drove past that town. i remember arriving in ft.lauderdale at 10pm. i had no place to stay. no contacts, no relatives, nothing. alone. in some city i hardly knew. gas was $1.65, .30 cents more expensive than where i came from. i went to the only place that was familiar, that crappy motel on commercial blvd, where i first met you. the same motel where you ran away from crying. it was so late when i drove up i remember being worried it might be closed. But i managed to get a room for the night. it smelled like putrid cigarettes. from my room i tried to call your cell. you didnt answer. you would not answer for months.
the next day, somehow, i found some office that specialized in finding people apartments to rent. i don't know how i found it since i had no idea of where anything was. I had no help. no support. But i went in there, by myself, filled out what info i could, which was hardly nothing since i just arrived the night before. no address no phone number, nothing. i spent the better part of that day driving around town with some guy, looking at one shitty apartment after another. all were vastly expensive. and none that i could afford. even though they were very expensive some didn't even have kitchens.
later that evening i managed to find a pay phone. Even back then those were becoming more and more rare. again i tried to call you, and again you did not answer. it would be almost 6 months before i would talk to you, or better yet, before you allowed me to talk to you. and do you remember what happened when you finally did answer? you hung up on me in mid-sentence. i still remember how hurtful that action was. You would hurt me a lot over the years without justification or cause.
Later that evening i managed to find a newspaper or something, i dont remember where or how. but i called ad after ad from that pay phone. inquiring about apartments. finally someone agreed to rent to me. that colombian couple. originally they did not want me, they wanted a woman. i probably looked so pathetic that they had sympathy for me.
the next day or two i had to get my school situation worked out. i had to drive to Boca, another place i had never been to before. while there i had to find the registrar. i got pulled over and got a ticket b/c i didn't see a stop sign. i got lost on campus. i asked some random person to help, and she pointed me in the right direction. on the way there i thought i saw you. some person from behind, with dark, curly hair like yours. i panicked. my heart started to pound in my throat and i began to walk toward you... but i could not call out your name. I was too afraid what you might do to me. Too emotionally fragile. after all, you had been so cruel to me with your harshly worded 'relationships are not a democracy' brush off.
To think. how easy it was for you to brushed me off like that after being in your life for years.
But there you were. maybe. from behind it looked like you. But what if you ended up hurting me more? how would you react if you saw me? and then you were gone. into the elevator. it was on the 2nd floor so i rushed down the stairs to try to catch up. i ran into a big yellow trash can and almost completely knocked it over. but i made it down quick enough to see the person, it was not you obviously.
Afterward i continued on to the registrar office. i had to stay in line for a couple hours. when i got there i was told i had to go to some other office. i managed to find it, and stood in line again. then i had the pleasure of trying to set up a bank account for my financial aid. it was required.
you have no bloody idea of all the things i ever did for you. FOR YOU. And yet? you brushed it all aside like it was nothing. like *I* was nothing.
let me give you some perspective.
Do you see that?
It describes me perfect, doesn't it. Finally after years i discovered what i was. See you have zero perspective because you are so self-absorbed. It would have been bad enough for a person to do everything what i had done. But you cannot imagine how infinitely more difficult it was for a person like me to accomplish.
I did it all for you flavia cordeiro, yet fact is you never appreciated any of it. you just took it all for granted.
but that is not the point. i am not writing this for you but for myself.
i busted my ass for a decade, got no recognition, no thank you, no apologies, treated like a criminal by you. and for what. i remember so many times how you would ATTACK me. HURT me. Do you even comprehend what you were doing to a person whose only 'crime' was to love you? And yet i tried so many times to make you see, to make you understand what i had felt was special and unique. but you were too ignorant.
and yet through some fucked up irony, i am the one to suffer because of it. not you. you, are out there fucking your teenage boy toys and here i am in a virtual prison of nightmares you caused. isn't love grand.
10 years ago, the anniversary of when my grandmother died. you never met her. you never knew her name or anything about her. once upon a time i had hopes of introducing you to her. she died of cancer. i was not there for her because i was stuck in fucking in florida, all for a woman who treated me like shit. who never cared about my feelings, who never respected my desires who could not even so much as treat me with common human decency. i was in florida for a person who hurt me so much that today i am basically a cripple.
my grandmother died, and i could not be there. you tell me if any of what i did for you was worth that. you were so hurtful and unappreciative and basically ignored my entire existence. But i know how pointless it is to try to explain any of this to someone without a conscious. you tell me i dont have huge regrets in life. the same grandmother who i had given up the opportunity to see one final time before i moved to florida. because i was waiting on the side of a cot for a phone call you promised to make. a call you never made. Isnt that typical of you and of this. Broken promises, lies and selfishness. no thank yous. no appreciation. no apologies. no anything from you.
march is an interesting month for me. 10 years ago my grandmother dies. 3 years ago you tell me you are pregnant. nothing but pain on top of pain.
let me tell you a story of just one example of how you permanently ruined my life, and permanently ruined *me* for anyone else. See it is not a matter of 'moving on'. most people are not so heartless as you are. most people don't possess your 'talents' to jump into bed with someone else immediately after having a relationship end. most people actually form emotional attachments and value them. i say most because i used to be like that. funny. you and i are probably much alike now. congrats for making me a fucking monster.
first semester of grad school. every day i would drive to Broward. past the library, up to the 4th level of the parking garage. some days i had a morning class. since i was lazy i would take the elevator. on those days, apparently by coincidence, a girl would be there at the same time. obviously she had a class at the same time. most of the time we seemed to get there and ride the elevator down. i never planned it. despite riding that elevator the entire semester, i never talked to her. never knew her name. never made eye contact. never indicated anything that she even existed. no casual chit-chat. nothing. day after day after day. i stood silent and looked forward. and yet i was very attracted to her.
she was nothing like you.
she was tall. pretty. smelled wonderful. had strawberry blonde hair and freckles. sometimes she would wear sleeveless shirt and unassuming glances i could see them on her shoulders. Despite never really looking at her, i was able to notice all these things.
you dont know anything about me really. even after all this time. how could you? you spent the vast majority isolating me, ignoring me, and dehumanizing me. i was like some kind of emotional puppet to you. you would take me out when you needed an ego boost or someone to remind you that you were loved, wanted, then put me back into the box. out of sight.
but i did not say a single word to her. someone who made every fiber of my being scream out to me, telling me to say something to her! anything! and yet...? nothing. not a single word.
And day followed day after day... after day. until the end of the semester. probably went down the elevator with her dozens of times in those months, with no words spoken between us. and then the night of the finals. i was quite depressed for many reasons, mostly involving you. as i was walking back to my car after handing in my work... and i saw her. i guess she had a final at night too. i saw her walk to the parking garage... and i wanted to run up to her because i KNEW it would probably be my last chance. And still i did nothing. i said nothing. i made no bold gesture. nothing. i let her walk away.
and i was right, i never saw her ever again.
a person who did not have their confidence and self esteem ruined would have done something.
a person who did not have all his self worth stripped away would have done something.
a person with some hope left in this world would have done something.
you probably will never understand why and how i can blame this on you. Because for you to understand would mean you would have to admit you actually did all kinds of terrible, hurtful things to me. and we both know care-free flavia never had any remorse or guilt.
worthless fool. that is what i would call myself for many years. you've no idea how dark those days were.
The entirety of our relationship. Worthless. Pointless. all you did was prove a point. that every single aspect of myself was completely worthless, had zero value, and that i would be treated as an androgynous, dehumanized, less-than an animal (because apparently you cared more about them than you ever did me).
So why would i talk to anyone? why would i approach anyone? why would i even make eye contact? why even make a sound to draw attention to myself? you taught me what would happen if i tried. they would only see me the way you did. which was less than garbage. i even changed my email to worthless fool for a time.
that is how my life went. for years. you stripped everything away. your pain. your hurt. your words. they beat down on me like a hammer. down. down. you would beat me down into nothing. then you would piss on the remains, run off laughing and go fuck someone else just to rub it in for good measure.
there is no 'recovering' after what you did. yet despite everything done to me, i still tried to forgive you. still tried to give you another chance. my pathetic, feeble wish/hope that maybe by some miracle you would prove me wrong. but you never did and you just followed your typical predictable pattern.
you never changed. and the damage was done. i remember night after night being alone. sometimes i would even put a pillow behind my back and pretend i was not alone. pathetic i know. but that was how my life was. i was alone. you were out 'there' somewhere. partying, doing drugs and fucking people. how nice it must be to have that kind of guilt free life.
people say the best revenge is to be happy and live my life. what is there to be happy about? the fact that i literally wasted a decade? that i wasted the best years of my life for someone like you and literally got nothing in return for it? That i wasted my youth? The prime of my life?
i am a broken down old man now. what is there to be happy about when the FACT is i will never love another person for as long as i live? that i will NEVER trust another person as long as i live.
Not because i dont want to, but because that does not exist in my anymore. there are so aspects of my personality that you literally destroyed. you ripped it out of me. slowly, painfully, over a decade.
meanwhile you don't care. You NEVER cared what and how your actions did to me. we both know you never did. ACTIONS speak louder that words!
You never stopped once.
Never stopped hurting me. ever.
But this writing isnt for you. you will never give me the closure i deserve. you will never be held accountable. you will never take responsibility. You will never apologize. and my life will be this way forever. Hitler never apologized for the things he did. Some people are just fucked up that way.
Normal people will never understand why I am so distrusting of people.
Normal people look at me like i don't know what i am talking about.
Normal people did not go through the hell you put me through.
Normal people did not live in what amounted to as an emotional prison of torture and isolation.
Normal people will never understand why i stayed as long as i did.
You won't understand any of these things either, but because of other reasons.
here is what my future holds. not that it matters.
i will never be married.
i will never be in a relationship.
i will never love or be loved.
i will never have a family.
i will never make love.
i will never have friends.
i will be alone and die alone. and nobody will come to my funeral.
Did you ever stop to think of what effect your actions would have on me? We both know that is a redundant question. We both know you are just a selfish person. you never went out of your way to do something nice. you only took, and took and used, and abused. what did you EVER contribute to my life in a positive way?
you had a DECADE to contribute SOMETHING positive to my life, but can you even think of a single thing???
remember that time you asked me why i never married nari? were you REALLY that stupid to think i would ever allow myself to feel anything remotely close to what i felt for you, after what you had done to me? were you REALLY that inspid (to use a word you once used) to think i would WANT to have all the things i wanted with you and you alone with someone else?!
i should never have gone to florida. but hey, unlike you, when i say the word love i do everything humanly possible to see it though, not tuck my tail and run away like a pussy coward. but quite honestly most days i wish i WAS a pussy coward like you and left your worthless ass long ago.
Well congrats you succeeded. you finally got rid of me! thats what you always wanted i suspect. because we both know you went pretty far out of your way to destroy anything else you ever claimed to love.
i was the only decent, moral, ethical, fair person you probably ever knew. in other words, a big threat to your selfish way of life.
Only thing is you were probably too STUPID to ever realized that after you completely ruined all those good aspects in me, that the huge void would be replaced by revulsion, hate, bitterness and contempt for you.
happy anniversary.
'us'
