I am writing this on your birthday. Although you'll probably never see it, I like to associate how terrible a person you are with some event in your life.
Despite it being over 5 years since you broke me, I was still searching for answers. Why. Why was *I* still giving you years and years of chances despite you being a complete hurtful, inconsiderate cunt towards me. I thought these questions would never be answered. Not to a satisfactory degree. Until I accidentally came across something.
Every once in a while I'll randomly stumble upon something by accident that makes me understand a little bit more. First by reading the definition of sociopath, and now this.
Most people would have gotten tired of your selfish actions long ago, but me? What drove me to stay? Was it just because of how much I loved you? What exactly transpired between us... it was too much. I cared more for you than anything else, and consequently it ruined me in so many ways... most of which you'll never know nor care to know about. You're living your care-free irresponsible life after all. no time to dwell on the past, or what you've done. Right?
I don't really spend much time on this anymore b/c quite honestly you are not worth wasting more of my life on. You've wasted a decade of my life already. A fucking decade. But hey, it wasn't your life, so who cares. For me, what I found might not be the final piece, but it was enough. And it makes perfect sense. Want to know what I am talking about? Lets see if you have the stomach to read it all
You know, it is astounding to me how much you live a life of denial. I wonder what your reaction would be If you ever manage to read all of it. Do you sit there and categorically shake your head in denial? Probably. Although I suspect you would never subject yourself to reading all of it b/c as we both know you dislike having the truth in your face. Almost incomprehensible to me how someone could lie so much to themselves as to remove themselves from all sense of accountability, but then many times over the years I forgot (or maybe I refused to believe) just exactly how warped you really were.
Do you even remember what you did to completely ruin all of this? One could argue you did enough back in 2001, but lets just go back to even a shorter span of almost 5 years ago. No, I doubt it. For you, things like that are just vague ghosts. How convenient. I doubt you remember asking me to tell you those bedtime stories before you went to sleep. I doubt you remember talking about where to go on our honeymoon, or all these trips that you wanted us to go on. How you wanted to kiss every inch of my body..
You have made me question every single thing. About myself, about people, and none in good ways.
I was always sincere in my words and actions. I think you used the term emotional masturbation, but for me it was sincerity. There is not a single word or action that I didn't 100% stand behind. But of course I've said that before, and nothing matters. It mattered to me, but I never mattered. So there we are.
I think back to something you once told me. something along the lines of how nobody knows all of you, about how you had many fragments. Back when I thought about it, I would imagine you as a kaleidoscope, or maybe stained glass. I also remember telling you I didn't want just parts of you, I wanted all of you...
How tragic that I didn't know at the time that all the bad fragments far outweighed the good. Maybe there were *some* parts of you that are good, but YOU, in your entirety are NOT a good person.
Deny and pretend and lie to yourself and others all you want. I know the truth. I *am* the truth of who you really are. I really have no idea why I am still alive today. From all the emotional hell you put me through, I should have ended it long ago. My 'existence' is in name only. I am a shell. I feel like some empty, hollow husk. You, flavia cordeiro, are a terrible person. you took something incredible and beautiful and turned it into what?
But back to the article above. Here is a secret that might surprise you. I can still remember what it felt like to love you. That for me is a curse I will be burdened with for the rest of my life. That addiction, or whatever the hell it was that is a result of that trauma bonding...
Or maybe it is better to say there is a *something* that never existed that I remember loving. Logically, rationally, I know this should not be. Whomever or whatever I loved, that I toiled through hardships, emotional hell, whomever that was for... really didn't exist. That flavia didn't really exist. Those memories, those feelings that I had, were real to me, but there was nothing real about you the person.
And yet sometimes, for brief moments I have this fantasy.
One day you will show up at the front door. Before I can slam the door in your face, you implore me to hear you out. I begrudgingly allow it although a thin string holds me back from ripping your goddamn throat out. In this fantasy you tell me you've changed. You tell me how you can't make up for any of what you did, but you apologize. You tell me what a huge mistake you made, and how it took this long to realize just what you ruined. In this fantasy you are there for one reason, you tell me you would do anything it took to repair the relationship.
For a moment I ponder this in my fantasy, and in this daydream I imagine you are actually telling me the truth for once and are actually sincere in all of these words. In this daydream you are *finally* the person I've always wanted you to be.
And then I laugh. I laugh at you and your pathetic attempt. Because it is too late. Because you've changed me. I am not longer the person that *I* was. And more importantly there is no way I would ever forgive all the lies, pain, anguish, deception and whoring you put me through. Throughout 10 years you systematically time and time again hurt and betrayed my trust.
Throughout those years I kept wishing and hoping you would turn around, be the person I thought you could be.. and every.single.time. you failed miserably.
"It’s in my nature" said the scorpion.
the survivor can come to find that it can be almost impossible to relate to anyone, even family or old friends, except superficially. There is a biological craving for intensity that no normal relationship will satisfy. This provides a feeling of being totally alone, and totally empty. At first, only going back to the primary aggressor can overcome it.
Trapped in a world of emptiness/perpetual desire. Sounds like me, doesn't it? No, you wouldn't know a damn thing about how that actually feels like, or what my life is like. But that is what it is. This also explains how/why I could keep coming back and giving you a decade of chances. You didn't deserve any of it, but I kept trying. How romantically pathetic. Meanwhile my life is a fucking empty, soulless, unmitigated nightmare because of this shit.
It would be normal in this state to believe that something is horribly wrong with leaving (even if it seems equally true that something is horribly wrong with staying.
That line is very poignant. To this day I still remember the dream I had about you. It was 2002, before I moved to Florida. I remember the dream was so intense, even asleep it felt my skin was on fire. And I had to subconsciously fight to push myself awake in order to escape. You were on fire, your entire body, so lit up there was no form to you, no physical body, just a pillar of fire. You made no sound, no cry, no indication you felt anything. Just 'there' on fire, but I did. I felt a lot. I held on to you, hugging the flame/you, the pain I felt was indescribable agony of being burnt alive, yet never dying.
Not in my life would I wish that pain on someone else. I wanted to let go so badly, and yet I knew if I had, then my body would turn to a pile of ash. So I held on, because I wanted to exist, I wanted to live, to *BE*. So I willed myself to keep going, to keep holding onto you. If I had let go, everything would end. You, me, the relationship. Everything. Ashes.
What a choice. I woke myself up before I could make a decision in the dream.
And then I did.
and we know the rest of the story.
Did I ever write about the drive back to Louisiana? After Carol told me you left the country, I didn't stay around in FL very long. I packed what meager belonging I had and started driving. Numb. Completely numb. I didn't think, I didn't do anything but drive. I was in an almost robotic state. After however many hours, I think around Jacksonville the dam burst. Going from numb to excruciating emotional/psychological grief like the flip of a switch.
The wave hit me and I could not hold it back. I wailed. It was like getting swept out to sea. I screamed and cried and bawled. I howled until my lungs were raw, and it kept going long after I had run out of tears. Have you ever cried so much that there were no more tears? I seriously doubt it.
your life, your dogs and smiling stupid lies of a life. Maybe it is better to be like you. better to manipulate and fuck people and fuck people over, to live an empty dissociative existence. At least you can pretend to have fun w/o consequence or responsibility for your actions. must be nice having no conscious. Oh wait, except for animals. meanwhile I carry the memories and scars. I carry the proof of the person that you really are.
The aftermath created by flavia cordeiro
I was going to visit my Aunt in the hospital. I did not want to go, but I promised I would do it. She was was not doing well and based on past experiences, I felt I should be there because if i blew it off maybe there would never be another chance. The drive was 3 hours away, but I was in no condition to drive. So my mom drove. Along the way she tried to make smalltalk but it didn't really help. I ended up crying most of the way there. Uncontrollable crying. Sobbing. I tried to turn my head so my mom would not see, but it is hard to ignore something like that inside a vehicle. She did not say anything. She knew there was nothing she could do for me. I just could not make myself stop crying. I was so heartbroken. Again. Many times over the years I was made to feel this way, mostly gone unnoticed, unaware by anyone else. This time was the worst. It was the final straw. Year by year, everything I had ever wanted was slowly, methodically taken from me. All my hopes and dreams, goals. Wishes, desires. All of it. But I always had the trump card, one thing I knew you would never take and give to anyone else. A family. And now that too was gone and given to someone else. Everything was gone.
I tried my best to make myself presentable for my aunt. I tried to put on a good face, but within a few minutes of being there I had to get out. The grief was overwhelming. I was never good at pretending. I went into her bathroom, sat on the toilet, and tried my best to muffle the sound of my crying. From the other room I could faintly hear my mom tell my Aunt what had happened. I never wanted it to be this way. I had always imagined I would have happy things to tell my family about you, but after 10 years they did not know anything about you until the end and I could no longer keep it from them.
They did not know I spent 10 years of my life, struggling for something. They did not know the real reason I went to Florida, the did not know the reason I flunked out of grad school, or came back home. Only after I gave my mom the email in 2010 where you told me you were pregnant did she know anything about you. Sad isn't it. Not one other time in all those years was I able to tell them something good about you. I kept waiting for that moment but it never came.
On the way back from the hospital my mom wanted to stop somewhere to shop. I did not feel like it, so I stayed in the car. From the parking lot I could see people come and go. One person parked right next to our car and got out with a small baby. I tried my best to ignore it, but even the mere sight of one felt like my soul was being ripped out of my body. I managed to stop crying before my mom got back.
This was just one day of my life.
I tried my best to make myself presentable for my aunt. I tried to put on a good face, but within a few minutes of being there I had to get out. The grief was overwhelming. I was never good at pretending. I went into her bathroom, sat on the toilet, and tried my best to muffle the sound of my crying. From the other room I could faintly hear my mom tell my Aunt what had happened. I never wanted it to be this way. I had always imagined I would have happy things to tell my family about you, but after 10 years they did not know anything about you until the end and I could no longer keep it from them.
They did not know I spent 10 years of my life, struggling for something. They did not know the real reason I went to Florida, the did not know the reason I flunked out of grad school, or came back home. Only after I gave my mom the email in 2010 where you told me you were pregnant did she know anything about you. Sad isn't it. Not one other time in all those years was I able to tell them something good about you. I kept waiting for that moment but it never came.
On the way back from the hospital my mom wanted to stop somewhere to shop. I did not feel like it, so I stayed in the car. From the parking lot I could see people come and go. One person parked right next to our car and got out with a small baby. I tried my best to ignore it, but even the mere sight of one felt like my soul was being ripped out of my body. I managed to stop crying before my mom got back.
This was just one day of my life.
Anniversary that flavia cordeiro won't remember
How time passes.
I'm sure you would never remember, since I did all of the work and effort and you did nothing, but literally, during this time 10 years ago, i was in my first semester in florida. at that crappy school FAU in that crappy city full of rude people and pollution. Despite the fact that it has been 10 years i still remember most of it like it was yesterday. And unfortunately every single painful moment that you caused. The route i would take to get to class. commercial blvd, then onto i-95, then south to broward exit. past the library, turn right and onto the 4th level of the parking garage. Practically every day i would drive the same route.
It is unfortunate how i cannot forget even if i want to. I remember the trip down there and how I drove most of the day to get there. Hell i even remember this can of raisins i took with me and munched on as i drove. I remember trying my best to ignore the melbourne signs as i drove past that town. i remember arriving in ft.lauderdale at 10pm. i had no place to stay. no contacts, no relatives, nothing. alone. in some city i hardly knew. gas was $1.65, .30 cents more expensive than where i came from. i went to the only place that was familiar, that crappy motel on commercial blvd, where i first met you. the same motel where you ran away from crying. it was so late when i drove up i remember being worried it might be closed. But i managed to get a room for the night. it smelled like putrid cigarettes. from my room i tried to call your cell. you didnt answer. you would not answer for months.
the next day, somehow, i found some office that specialized in finding people apartments to rent. i don't know how i found it since i had no idea of where anything was. I had no help. no support. But i went in there, by myself, filled out what info i could, which was hardly nothing since i just arrived the night before. no address no phone number, nothing. i spent the better part of that day driving around town with some guy, looking at one shitty apartment after another. all were vastly expensive. and none that i could afford. even though they were very expensive some didn't even have kitchens.
later that evening i managed to find a pay phone. Even back then those were becoming more and more rare. again i tried to call you, and again you did not answer. it would be almost 6 months before i would talk to you, or better yet, before you allowed me to talk to you. and do you remember what happened when you finally did answer? you hung up on me in mid-sentence. i still remember how hurtful that action was. You would hurt me a lot over the years without justification or cause.
Later that evening i managed to find a newspaper or something, i dont remember where or how. but i called ad after ad from that pay phone. inquiring about apartments. finally someone agreed to rent to me. that colombian couple. originally they did not want me, they wanted a woman. i probably looked so pathetic that they had sympathy for me.
the next day or two i had to get my school situation worked out. i had to drive to Boca, another place i had never been to before. while there i had to find the registrar. i got pulled over and got a ticket b/c i didn't see a stop sign. i got lost on campus. i asked some random person to help, and she pointed me in the right direction. on the way there i thought i saw you. some person from behind, with dark, curly hair like yours. i panicked. my heart started to pound in my throat and i began to walk toward you... but i could not call out your name. I was too afraid what you might do to me. Too emotionally fragile. after all, you had been so cruel to me with your harshly worded 'relationships are not a democracy' brush off.
To think. how easy it was for you to brushed me off like that after being in your life for years.
But there you were. maybe. from behind it looked like you. But what if you ended up hurting me more? how would you react if you saw me? and then you were gone. into the elevator. it was on the 2nd floor so i rushed down the stairs to try to catch up. i ran into a big yellow trash can and almost completely knocked it over. but i made it down quick enough to see the person, it was not you obviously.
Afterward i continued on to the registrar office. i had to stay in line for a couple hours. when i got there i was told i had to go to some other office. i managed to find it, and stood in line again. then i had the pleasure of trying to set up a bank account for my financial aid. it was required.
you have no bloody idea of all the things i ever did for you. FOR YOU. And yet? you brushed it all aside like it was nothing. like *I* was nothing.
let me give you some perspective.
Do you see that?
It describes me perfect, doesn't it. Finally after years i discovered what i was. See you have zero perspective because you are so self-absorbed. It would have been bad enough for a person to do everything what i had done. But you cannot imagine how infinitely more difficult it was for a person like me to accomplish.
I did it all for you flavia cordeiro, yet fact is you never appreciated any of it. you just took it all for granted.
but that is not the point. i am not writing this for you but for myself.
i busted my ass for a decade, got no recognition, no thank you, no apologies, treated like a criminal by you. and for what. i remember so many times how you would ATTACK me. HURT me. Do you even comprehend what you were doing to a person whose only 'crime' was to love you? And yet i tried so many times to make you see, to make you understand what i had felt was special and unique. but you were too ignorant.
and yet through some fucked up irony, i am the one to suffer because of it. not you. you, are out there fucking your teenage boy toys and here i am in a virtual prison of nightmares you caused. isn't love grand.
10 years ago, the anniversary of when my grandmother died. you never met her. you never knew her name or anything about her. once upon a time i had hopes of introducing you to her. she died of cancer. i was not there for her because i was stuck in fucking in florida, all for a woman who treated me like shit. who never cared about my feelings, who never respected my desires who could not even so much as treat me with common human decency. i was in florida for a person who hurt me so much that today i am basically a cripple.
my grandmother died, and i could not be there. you tell me if any of what i did for you was worth that. you were so hurtful and unappreciative and basically ignored my entire existence. But i know how pointless it is to try to explain any of this to someone without a conscious. you tell me i dont have huge regrets in life. the same grandmother who i had given up the opportunity to see one final time before i moved to florida. because i was waiting on the side of a cot for a phone call you promised to make. a call you never made. Isnt that typical of you and of this. Broken promises, lies and selfishness. no thank yous. no appreciation. no apologies. no anything from you.
march is an interesting month for me. 10 years ago my grandmother dies. 3 years ago you tell me you are pregnant. nothing but pain on top of pain.
let me tell you a story of just one example of how you permanently ruined my life, and permanently ruined *me* for anyone else. See it is not a matter of 'moving on'. most people are not so heartless as you are. most people don't possess your 'talents' to jump into bed with someone else immediately after having a relationship end. most people actually form emotional attachments and value them. i say most because i used to be like that. funny. you and i are probably much alike now. congrats for making me a fucking monster.
first semester of grad school. every day i would drive to Broward. past the library, up to the 4th level of the parking garage. some days i had a morning class. since i was lazy i would take the elevator. on those days, apparently by coincidence, a girl would be there at the same time. obviously she had a class at the same time. most of the time we seemed to get there and ride the elevator down. i never planned it. despite riding that elevator the entire semester, i never talked to her. never knew her name. never made eye contact. never indicated anything that she even existed. no casual chit-chat. nothing. day after day after day. i stood silent and looked forward. and yet i was very attracted to her.
a person who did not have their confidence and self esteem ruined would have done something.
a person who did not have all his self worth stripped away would have done something.
a person with some hope left in this world would have done something.
you probably will never understand why and how i can blame this on you. Because for you to understand would mean you would have to admit you actually did all kinds of terrible, hurtful things to me. and we both know care-free flavia never had any remorse or guilt.
worthless fool. that is what i would call myself for many years. you've no idea how dark those days were.
The entirety of our relationship. Worthless. Pointless. all you did was prove a point. that every single aspect of myself was completely worthless, had zero value, and that i would be treated as an androgynous, dehumanized, less-than an animal (because apparently you cared more about them than you ever did me).
So why would i talk to anyone? why would i approach anyone? why would i even make eye contact? why even make a sound to draw attention to myself? you taught me what would happen if i tried. they would only see me the way you did. which was less than garbage. i even changed my email to worthless fool for a time.
that is how my life went. for years. you stripped everything away. your pain. your hurt. your words. they beat down on me like a hammer. down. down. you would beat me down into nothing. then you would piss on the remains, run off laughing and go fuck someone else just to rub it in for good measure.
there is no 'recovering' after what you did. yet despite everything done to me, i still tried to forgive you. still tried to give you another chance. my pathetic, feeble wish/hope that maybe by some miracle you would prove me wrong. but you never did and you just followed your typical predictable pattern.
you never changed. and the damage was done. i remember night after night being alone. sometimes i would even put a pillow behind my back and pretend i was not alone. pathetic i know. but that was how my life was. i was alone. you were out 'there' somewhere. partying, doing drugs and fucking people. how nice it must be to have that kind of guilt free life.
people say the best revenge is to be happy and live my life. what is there to be happy about? the fact that i literally wasted a decade? that i wasted the best years of my life for someone like you and literally got nothing in return for it? That i wasted my youth? The prime of my life?
i am a broken down old man now. what is there to be happy about when the FACT is i will never love another person for as long as i live? that i will NEVER trust another person as long as i live.
Not because i dont want to, but because that does not exist in my anymore. there are so aspects of my personality that you literally destroyed. you ripped it out of me. slowly, painfully, over a decade.
meanwhile you don't care. You NEVER cared what and how your actions did to me. we both know you never did. ACTIONS speak louder that words!
You never stopped once.
Never stopped hurting me. ever.
But this writing isnt for you. you will never give me the closure i deserve. you will never be held accountable. you will never take responsibility. You will never apologize. and my life will be this way forever. Hitler never apologized for the things he did. Some people are just fucked up that way.
Normal people will never understand why I am so distrusting of people.
Normal people look at me like i don't know what i am talking about.
Normal people did not go through the hell you put me through.
Normal people did not live in what amounted to as an emotional prison of torture and isolation.
Normal people will never understand why i stayed as long as i did.
You won't understand any of these things either, but because of other reasons.
here is what my future holds. not that it matters.
i will never be married.
i will never be in a relationship.
i will never love or be loved.
i will never have a family.
i will never make love.
i will never have friends.
i will be alone and die alone. and nobody will come to my funeral.
Did you ever stop to think of what effect your actions would have on me? We both know that is a redundant question. We both know you are just a selfish person. you never went out of your way to do something nice. you only took, and took and used, and abused. what did you EVER contribute to my life in a positive way?
you had a DECADE to contribute SOMETHING positive to my life, but can you even think of a single thing???
remember that time you asked me why i never married nari? were you REALLY that stupid to think i would ever allow myself to feel anything remotely close to what i felt for you, after what you had done to me? were you REALLY that inspid (to use a word you once used) to think i would WANT to have all the things i wanted with you and you alone with someone else?!
i should never have gone to florida. but hey, unlike you, when i say the word love i do everything humanly possible to see it though, not tuck my tail and run away like a pussy coward. but quite honestly most days i wish i WAS a pussy coward like you and left your worthless ass long ago.
Well congrats you succeeded. you finally got rid of me! thats what you always wanted i suspect. because we both know you went pretty far out of your way to destroy anything else you ever claimed to love.
i was the only decent, moral, ethical, fair person you probably ever knew. in other words, a big threat to your selfish way of life.
Only thing is you were probably too STUPID to ever realized that after you completely ruined all those good aspects in me, that the huge void would be replaced by revulsion, hate, bitterness and contempt for you.
happy anniversary.
'us'
I'm sure you would never remember, since I did all of the work and effort and you did nothing, but literally, during this time 10 years ago, i was in my first semester in florida. at that crappy school FAU in that crappy city full of rude people and pollution. Despite the fact that it has been 10 years i still remember most of it like it was yesterday. And unfortunately every single painful moment that you caused. The route i would take to get to class. commercial blvd, then onto i-95, then south to broward exit. past the library, turn right and onto the 4th level of the parking garage. Practically every day i would drive the same route.
It is unfortunate how i cannot forget even if i want to. I remember the trip down there and how I drove most of the day to get there. Hell i even remember this can of raisins i took with me and munched on as i drove. I remember trying my best to ignore the melbourne signs as i drove past that town. i remember arriving in ft.lauderdale at 10pm. i had no place to stay. no contacts, no relatives, nothing. alone. in some city i hardly knew. gas was $1.65, .30 cents more expensive than where i came from. i went to the only place that was familiar, that crappy motel on commercial blvd, where i first met you. the same motel where you ran away from crying. it was so late when i drove up i remember being worried it might be closed. But i managed to get a room for the night. it smelled like putrid cigarettes. from my room i tried to call your cell. you didnt answer. you would not answer for months.
the next day, somehow, i found some office that specialized in finding people apartments to rent. i don't know how i found it since i had no idea of where anything was. I had no help. no support. But i went in there, by myself, filled out what info i could, which was hardly nothing since i just arrived the night before. no address no phone number, nothing. i spent the better part of that day driving around town with some guy, looking at one shitty apartment after another. all were vastly expensive. and none that i could afford. even though they were very expensive some didn't even have kitchens.
later that evening i managed to find a pay phone. Even back then those were becoming more and more rare. again i tried to call you, and again you did not answer. it would be almost 6 months before i would talk to you, or better yet, before you allowed me to talk to you. and do you remember what happened when you finally did answer? you hung up on me in mid-sentence. i still remember how hurtful that action was. You would hurt me a lot over the years without justification or cause.
Later that evening i managed to find a newspaper or something, i dont remember where or how. but i called ad after ad from that pay phone. inquiring about apartments. finally someone agreed to rent to me. that colombian couple. originally they did not want me, they wanted a woman. i probably looked so pathetic that they had sympathy for me.
the next day or two i had to get my school situation worked out. i had to drive to Boca, another place i had never been to before. while there i had to find the registrar. i got pulled over and got a ticket b/c i didn't see a stop sign. i got lost on campus. i asked some random person to help, and she pointed me in the right direction. on the way there i thought i saw you. some person from behind, with dark, curly hair like yours. i panicked. my heart started to pound in my throat and i began to walk toward you... but i could not call out your name. I was too afraid what you might do to me. Too emotionally fragile. after all, you had been so cruel to me with your harshly worded 'relationships are not a democracy' brush off.
To think. how easy it was for you to brushed me off like that after being in your life for years.
But there you were. maybe. from behind it looked like you. But what if you ended up hurting me more? how would you react if you saw me? and then you were gone. into the elevator. it was on the 2nd floor so i rushed down the stairs to try to catch up. i ran into a big yellow trash can and almost completely knocked it over. but i made it down quick enough to see the person, it was not you obviously.
Afterward i continued on to the registrar office. i had to stay in line for a couple hours. when i got there i was told i had to go to some other office. i managed to find it, and stood in line again. then i had the pleasure of trying to set up a bank account for my financial aid. it was required.
you have no bloody idea of all the things i ever did for you. FOR YOU. And yet? you brushed it all aside like it was nothing. like *I* was nothing.
let me give you some perspective.
Do you see that?
It describes me perfect, doesn't it. Finally after years i discovered what i was. See you have zero perspective because you are so self-absorbed. It would have been bad enough for a person to do everything what i had done. But you cannot imagine how infinitely more difficult it was for a person like me to accomplish.
I did it all for you flavia cordeiro, yet fact is you never appreciated any of it. you just took it all for granted.
but that is not the point. i am not writing this for you but for myself.
i busted my ass for a decade, got no recognition, no thank you, no apologies, treated like a criminal by you. and for what. i remember so many times how you would ATTACK me. HURT me. Do you even comprehend what you were doing to a person whose only 'crime' was to love you? And yet i tried so many times to make you see, to make you understand what i had felt was special and unique. but you were too ignorant.
and yet through some fucked up irony, i am the one to suffer because of it. not you. you, are out there fucking your teenage boy toys and here i am in a virtual prison of nightmares you caused. isn't love grand.
10 years ago, the anniversary of when my grandmother died. you never met her. you never knew her name or anything about her. once upon a time i had hopes of introducing you to her. she died of cancer. i was not there for her because i was stuck in fucking in florida, all for a woman who treated me like shit. who never cared about my feelings, who never respected my desires who could not even so much as treat me with common human decency. i was in florida for a person who hurt me so much that today i am basically a cripple.
my grandmother died, and i could not be there. you tell me if any of what i did for you was worth that. you were so hurtful and unappreciative and basically ignored my entire existence. But i know how pointless it is to try to explain any of this to someone without a conscious. you tell me i dont have huge regrets in life. the same grandmother who i had given up the opportunity to see one final time before i moved to florida. because i was waiting on the side of a cot for a phone call you promised to make. a call you never made. Isnt that typical of you and of this. Broken promises, lies and selfishness. no thank yous. no appreciation. no apologies. no anything from you.
march is an interesting month for me. 10 years ago my grandmother dies. 3 years ago you tell me you are pregnant. nothing but pain on top of pain.
let me tell you a story of just one example of how you permanently ruined my life, and permanently ruined *me* for anyone else. See it is not a matter of 'moving on'. most people are not so heartless as you are. most people don't possess your 'talents' to jump into bed with someone else immediately after having a relationship end. most people actually form emotional attachments and value them. i say most because i used to be like that. funny. you and i are probably much alike now. congrats for making me a fucking monster.
first semester of grad school. every day i would drive to Broward. past the library, up to the 4th level of the parking garage. some days i had a morning class. since i was lazy i would take the elevator. on those days, apparently by coincidence, a girl would be there at the same time. obviously she had a class at the same time. most of the time we seemed to get there and ride the elevator down. i never planned it. despite riding that elevator the entire semester, i never talked to her. never knew her name. never made eye contact. never indicated anything that she even existed. no casual chit-chat. nothing. day after day after day. i stood silent and looked forward. and yet i was very attracted to her.
she was nothing like you.
she was tall. pretty. smelled wonderful. had strawberry blonde hair and freckles. sometimes she would wear sleeveless shirt and unassuming glances i could see them on her shoulders. Despite never really looking at her, i was able to notice all these things.
you dont know anything about me really. even after all this time. how could you? you spent the vast majority isolating me, ignoring me, and dehumanizing me. i was like some kind of emotional puppet to you. you would take me out when you needed an ego boost or someone to remind you that you were loved, wanted, then put me back into the box. out of sight.
but i did not say a single word to her. someone who made every fiber of my being scream out to me, telling me to say something to her! anything! and yet...? nothing. not a single word.
And day followed day after day... after day. until the end of the semester. probably went down the elevator with her dozens of times in those months, with no words spoken between us. and then the night of the finals. i was quite depressed for many reasons, mostly involving you. as i was walking back to my car after handing in my work... and i saw her. i guess she had a final at night too. i saw her walk to the parking garage... and i wanted to run up to her because i KNEW it would probably be my last chance. And still i did nothing. i said nothing. i made no bold gesture. nothing. i let her walk away.
and i was right, i never saw her ever again.
a person who did not have their confidence and self esteem ruined would have done something.
a person who did not have all his self worth stripped away would have done something.
a person with some hope left in this world would have done something.
you probably will never understand why and how i can blame this on you. Because for you to understand would mean you would have to admit you actually did all kinds of terrible, hurtful things to me. and we both know care-free flavia never had any remorse or guilt.
worthless fool. that is what i would call myself for many years. you've no idea how dark those days were.
The entirety of our relationship. Worthless. Pointless. all you did was prove a point. that every single aspect of myself was completely worthless, had zero value, and that i would be treated as an androgynous, dehumanized, less-than an animal (because apparently you cared more about them than you ever did me).
So why would i talk to anyone? why would i approach anyone? why would i even make eye contact? why even make a sound to draw attention to myself? you taught me what would happen if i tried. they would only see me the way you did. which was less than garbage. i even changed my email to worthless fool for a time.
that is how my life went. for years. you stripped everything away. your pain. your hurt. your words. they beat down on me like a hammer. down. down. you would beat me down into nothing. then you would piss on the remains, run off laughing and go fuck someone else just to rub it in for good measure.
there is no 'recovering' after what you did. yet despite everything done to me, i still tried to forgive you. still tried to give you another chance. my pathetic, feeble wish/hope that maybe by some miracle you would prove me wrong. but you never did and you just followed your typical predictable pattern.
you never changed. and the damage was done. i remember night after night being alone. sometimes i would even put a pillow behind my back and pretend i was not alone. pathetic i know. but that was how my life was. i was alone. you were out 'there' somewhere. partying, doing drugs and fucking people. how nice it must be to have that kind of guilt free life.
people say the best revenge is to be happy and live my life. what is there to be happy about? the fact that i literally wasted a decade? that i wasted the best years of my life for someone like you and literally got nothing in return for it? That i wasted my youth? The prime of my life?
i am a broken down old man now. what is there to be happy about when the FACT is i will never love another person for as long as i live? that i will NEVER trust another person as long as i live.
Not because i dont want to, but because that does not exist in my anymore. there are so aspects of my personality that you literally destroyed. you ripped it out of me. slowly, painfully, over a decade.
meanwhile you don't care. You NEVER cared what and how your actions did to me. we both know you never did. ACTIONS speak louder that words!
You never stopped once.
Never stopped hurting me. ever.
But this writing isnt for you. you will never give me the closure i deserve. you will never be held accountable. you will never take responsibility. You will never apologize. and my life will be this way forever. Hitler never apologized for the things he did. Some people are just fucked up that way.
Normal people will never understand why I am so distrusting of people.
Normal people look at me like i don't know what i am talking about.
Normal people did not go through the hell you put me through.
Normal people did not live in what amounted to as an emotional prison of torture and isolation.
Normal people will never understand why i stayed as long as i did.
You won't understand any of these things either, but because of other reasons.
here is what my future holds. not that it matters.
i will never be married.
i will never be in a relationship.
i will never love or be loved.
i will never have a family.
i will never make love.
i will never have friends.
i will be alone and die alone. and nobody will come to my funeral.
Did you ever stop to think of what effect your actions would have on me? We both know that is a redundant question. We both know you are just a selfish person. you never went out of your way to do something nice. you only took, and took and used, and abused. what did you EVER contribute to my life in a positive way?
you had a DECADE to contribute SOMETHING positive to my life, but can you even think of a single thing???
remember that time you asked me why i never married nari? were you REALLY that stupid to think i would ever allow myself to feel anything remotely close to what i felt for you, after what you had done to me? were you REALLY that inspid (to use a word you once used) to think i would WANT to have all the things i wanted with you and you alone with someone else?!
i should never have gone to florida. but hey, unlike you, when i say the word love i do everything humanly possible to see it though, not tuck my tail and run away like a pussy coward. but quite honestly most days i wish i WAS a pussy coward like you and left your worthless ass long ago.
Well congrats you succeeded. you finally got rid of me! thats what you always wanted i suspect. because we both know you went pretty far out of your way to destroy anything else you ever claimed to love.
i was the only decent, moral, ethical, fair person you probably ever knew. in other words, a big threat to your selfish way of life.
Only thing is you were probably too STUPID to ever realized that after you completely ruined all those good aspects in me, that the huge void would be replaced by revulsion, hate, bitterness and contempt for you.
happy anniversary.
'us'
Methodical deprivation aka how flavia cordeiro treats people she "loves"
Devalued.
That is the best word to describe you. You probably won't ever realize this, but that is exactly what you did. You devalued your body, with all the drugs and poisons you took, all the people you slept with, all those god-awful ugly tattoos. You devalued your words, with all your lies and broken promises. You essentially made yourself nothing. How can anyone respect you? How can anyone believe what you say? You did it willingly, destructively. And you pulled me down with you because I was too stupid to let go. Sometimes I wonder what happens to the dog that is holding on to the fool's leg. Does he go over the edge as well.
For years I thought *I* was the worthless one. Clint, the 'worthless fool' I used to call myself. almost every night, alone. confused. hurt. ignored. Oh, except, only when you needed an ego boost, then i was 'allowed' back in your life for a brief time. Isn't that true, Flavia. You only used and took, and then? you never gave. you never offered. Oh but you gave PLENTY to others. To people who never did half of what I did for you, for 'this', for us. I was like some animal, some nothing.
No, you were even nicer to animals, weren't you.
worthless fool.
worthless fool.
WORTHLESS fool.
Again and again those words were pounded into my head. And yet the truth is you were the worthless one. You ruined yourself. All I did was make the biggest mistake of my life, for trying so hard it ruined me. By daring to love someone like you. You take a look at the person I was. Then you will see it. If for once you can look at something without lying to yourself and going into full denial.
Then you will see how anyone else would have given you up to the garbage. The struggle to keep going, that crushing weight, despite everything you did to me? And bloody EVERYONE telling me you were a selfish, psycho cunt. For me, what *I* felt was important. MY words, MY actions meant SOMETHING. And yours? What did any of your words or actions amount to? Devalued nothings. They might as well had never existed.
For what seemed like almost every night during a span of 10 years, I would think of you. It was all I COULD do, since you were off doing whatever with whomever. Pathetic, isn't it. Some pathetic hero who lost, whom you finally beat and broke for good. But for years and years, probably every night before I went to sleep unless, I would think of all the things you never gave me a chance to say in person. To express myself, to express my love, pain, my confusion about why you were doing these things to me. The suffering you caused. It became a habit, a routine. I only had myself and nothing else. I don't think you really will ever understand what that was like for me. Or how completely alone I was.
Only recently in the past 5 years have I slowly changed. For a few years I still thought of you, only instead it was pure hate. Revulsion. for what you did. for your actions, your lies. And you deserved every bit of it. But then slowly over time even the hate thoughts went away and now I hardly think of you at all. But I will never fully escape the nightmares. Sometimes I can go the entire day w/o giving you a single thought. And yet as I sleep, for whatever reason I will have a nightmare about you. The most painful nightmare I could possibly have. When I wake up my whole day will be ruined because of it. And the next and the next. And so on. The memories will come crashing back down on me.
That is the best word to describe you. You probably won't ever realize this, but that is exactly what you did. You devalued your body, with all the drugs and poisons you took, all the people you slept with, all those god-awful ugly tattoos. You devalued your words, with all your lies and broken promises. You essentially made yourself nothing. How can anyone respect you? How can anyone believe what you say? You did it willingly, destructively. And you pulled me down with you because I was too stupid to let go. Sometimes I wonder what happens to the dog that is holding on to the fool's leg. Does he go over the edge as well.
For years I thought *I* was the worthless one. Clint, the 'worthless fool' I used to call myself. almost every night, alone. confused. hurt. ignored. Oh, except, only when you needed an ego boost, then i was 'allowed' back in your life for a brief time. Isn't that true, Flavia. You only used and took, and then? you never gave. you never offered. Oh but you gave PLENTY to others. To people who never did half of what I did for you, for 'this', for us. I was like some animal, some nothing.
No, you were even nicer to animals, weren't you.
worthless fool.
worthless fool.
WORTHLESS fool.
Again and again those words were pounded into my head. And yet the truth is you were the worthless one. You ruined yourself. All I did was make the biggest mistake of my life, for trying so hard it ruined me. By daring to love someone like you. You take a look at the person I was. Then you will see it. If for once you can look at something without lying to yourself and going into full denial.
Then you will see how anyone else would have given you up to the garbage. The struggle to keep going, that crushing weight, despite everything you did to me? And bloody EVERYONE telling me you were a selfish, psycho cunt. For me, what *I* felt was important. MY words, MY actions meant SOMETHING. And yours? What did any of your words or actions amount to? Devalued nothings. They might as well had never existed.
For what seemed like almost every night during a span of 10 years, I would think of you. It was all I COULD do, since you were off doing whatever with whomever. Pathetic, isn't it. Some pathetic hero who lost, whom you finally beat and broke for good. But for years and years, probably every night before I went to sleep unless, I would think of all the things you never gave me a chance to say in person. To express myself, to express my love, pain, my confusion about why you were doing these things to me. The suffering you caused. It became a habit, a routine. I only had myself and nothing else. I don't think you really will ever understand what that was like for me. Or how completely alone I was.
Only recently in the past 5 years have I slowly changed. For a few years I still thought of you, only instead it was pure hate. Revulsion. for what you did. for your actions, your lies. And you deserved every bit of it. But then slowly over time even the hate thoughts went away and now I hardly think of you at all. But I will never fully escape the nightmares. Sometimes I can go the entire day w/o giving you a single thought. And yet as I sleep, for whatever reason I will have a nightmare about you. The most painful nightmare I could possibly have. When I wake up my whole day will be ruined because of it. And the next and the next. And so on. The memories will come crashing back down on me.
About Flavia Cordeiro
you see this picture??
look at it close. Take a good look. You have no idea what it is so i will tell you.
THAT is my dad's stock room. THAT is the bed where i slept and where i lived for nearly a year.
WHY? all because of you.
always doing things for you.
i needed to save up as much money as possible for my move to florida. So that is where i slept every night.
THAT is where i literally sat and waited the PHONE CALL you promised you would make from the airport. i sat on the side of that bed, waiting. waiting. waiting.
THAT is where i read the angry candy book after driving 6 hours round trip to the ONLY fucking library in the STATE that had the damn thing.
through all of this decade you never appreciated a fucking thing i did or put myself through for you. You have never treated me or my feelings with respect. PRINCESS WHOREDEIRO always did whatever she damn well pleased.
You had a CHOICE!!!
and every goddam time you chose to act selfishly. to fuck someone else and to ruin what we had. dick after dick after dick. Ever wonder how many gallons of sperm you have had deposited into you over the years?
and you know what? being a selfish slut is reason enough to hate you for the rest of my life.
acting without a conscious and meanwhile at the same time depriving me of so much. Deprived me emotionally. Deprived me physically. deprived me of even basic things most people take for granted. *WE* certainly dont have ANY stories that dont involve pain you caused. or you fucking someone else. DO YOU REALIZE THAT??? How you fucking R-U-I-N RELATIONSHIPS?!
there are so many things you will never see. never experience. things i wanted, wished and hoped for but never shared.
so much that i did for you but you never knew about and will never appreciate. So many things you missed out on in your life because of you stupidity and selfishness.
years pass and things vanish. People die. And you have missed countless opportunities. and never even knew about them, or how magical or special they were. parts of myself and parts of my life you will never know.
gone. just like me.
i was the greatest thing to never happen to you. and i have no doubt that you will gloss over this sentence b/c you are too stupid to comprehend it. you really are stupid when you think about all the things you have said and done to me over the years. but that is neither here nor there and i doubt you will remember any of it. how convenient.
so who cares, right? who cares i literally put years of my life on hold for you. who cares about everything i had sacrificed. Who cares how badly I kept trying to share something special with you. all that matters is YOU in your selfish world. oh, sorry, and those stupid dogs.
"the more i know people the more i like animals"
hey, i have a slogan too "the more i know people the more i am convinced they are nothing but dirty, filthy whores with no conscious that lie and cheat and have no regard for the feelings of other people".
Thanks for teaching me that lesson. That people, especially YOU, have no redeeming value at all.
YOU CANNOT IMAGINE HOW EMBARRASSING AND HUMILIATING IT IS TO LOVE SOMEONE, AND CARE FOR THEM, TO BE THERE FOR THEM, to do things out of the kindness of your heart and with Sincerity AND YET HAVE THAT SAME PERSON LIE TO YOUR FUCKING FACE AND ACT LIKE A STUPID, S-E-L-F-I-S-H LITTLE WHORE WITH NO CONSCIOUS.
all the sacrifices i made for you. all the years i wasted. all for what. You tell me what was it all for. What did I get out of it. i gave up so many things all for your worthless ass. You have no god damn idea the extent. and you wont ever know half of it because you were never around. you never saw what i did or went through. and i really don't feel like telling you.
And let me be clear. all those years i kept giving you chance after chance? it was not because of anything YOU did. no. it was because i kept HOPING you would STOP being a predictable, pathetic, disappointing, hurtful failure. you never surprised me. you were always so fucking predictable.
You were always so willing to spread your legs open for anyone at any time. "its easier to let them have sex with me than to tell them no" i'm sure you dont remember telling me that either. but i do. i remember every stupid thing you ever said and did. gosh! i must be the luckiest person alive to have a memory like that.
but little did i know at the time was how dirty you were and you never used condoms. maybe if i had known that little fact much sooner i would not have wasted so many years on trash like you. you are probably a walking STD by now. in many ways i consider myself lucky i never stuck my dick in that sewer you call a vagina.
here lets do a little test. name ONE person other than me that you told 'no' to. name ONE other person who you turned down and did not fuck. ONE person who you did not let treat you like some sperm dumpster.
btw ever wonder why i never remember any 'good' things you did? maybe, just MAYBE because everything you did was tainted by you being a stupid whore and fucking someone at the time.
you know what else? i am 10000000% positive you N-E-V-E-R would have told me you fucked your teenage boy toy of yours AGAIN if you had not supposedly gotten pregnant. You would have continued to lie to me for all eternity. Just like all the other times you kept me in the dark, while sucking all the good things out of me.How pathetic you treat people that you supposedly "love" in such a manner.
i suppose i should not be all surprised what kind of DISHONEST person you are. after all, you are a spitting image of your father. a liar, a cheat, and adulterer. apple does not fall far from the tree does it?
if ever you one day feel like being HONEST with yourself for once, then how about you start with that! start with the FACT that you sleep around and LIE to people you CLAIM to care about. Start there. But i seriously doub't you'll ever admit the truth and be honest with yourself. You would probably kill yourself if you admitted all the horrors you caused to other people.
want to know something interesting? after thousands of dollars of therapy sessions, after talking with many professionals, psychologists, psychologists etc? they all arrive at the same conclusion. that you are a fucking nutcase. and they are astounded, ASTOUNDED that i had the mental and emotional stamina put up with your worthless, lying, emotionally dysfunctional self for as long as i did.
But they, like you, will never really know what kind of hell i went through.
Btw, hey remember that time when you asked me to take some kind of psychology survey for your class? Doubt it. it was around the time when you also had to act out some kind of stupid play or whatever for your class. no, i doubt you'd remember that either. Maybe if you laid off the drugs you would remember more.
know what i was doing during that time? Since i didnt have my own internet i would draw. each night before sleep i would draw stuff. sometimes if i didnt feel like drawing i would even work on the book i was making. there was actually going to be 2 books. i came up with this other idea that i would make a book out of all the correspondence we sent each other. "the book of us". a book of memories. of fears and hopes and in the end there would have been a happy ending b/c i knew for sure we would end up together. how fucking romantic.
back then sometimes you would sign your emails at the bottom with 'us'. back then i used to pretend that meant something. just like i would pretend it meant something when you called me 'sweety' and how i ignored the fact that you called just about every goddamn stranger that as well. the difference between me lying to myself, and you? I WANTED TO BELIEVE. i wanted to fucking believe in something, that you were a good person.
guess i was wrong, huh.
little did i know at the time how all those probably millions upon millions of words would be worthless to you. would not make any difference. how you proved time after time AFTER TIME how my life and existence was meaningless to you. how you proved without a shadow of a doubt how you had ZERO RESPECT for me and how i felt. that everything i went through for you was of no consequence. that you would literally FUCK it all away.
but see back then i cherished those emails at the time. i wanted to believe. i remember sometimes i would read your emails 3-4 times, trying to glean every bit of information out of them. you had me feeding out of your palm, and i'm sure you were well aware. i'm sure your little ego was sooo inflated by all the stuff i would write to you. back then i felt what we had was meaningful. important. that *I* was meaningful and important. that it could be the most important thing of our lives.
you saw to it that it wasnt.
I did other stupid things like pay attention to what you would tell me. I remember listening to you about something you told me one day. then i remember making a mental note to myself that if we were ever together, if we ever got a house one day, that i would get you your very own room. it could be a study, it could have been an anything room. but it would be YOUR room. and yours alone. because i remembered how you would tell me how you would wish you had more space to yourself. see, i remembered shit like that.
you know what conclusion i ultimately came to? that i was nothing but an emotional fluffer for you. you would come to me when you needed your ego pumped. then when you had your fill you would discard me, and unceremoniously toss me out of your life. again and again and again AND AGAIN. what a fool i was to believe all your bullshit. To believe you were being sincere. what an idiot i was to love someone like you in the first place.
you would come to me with your stupid problems, when you felt bad, when you were miserable, when you were 'going through something' and *I* would be there for you. *I* would be there with love and support, and try to do whatever i could to help because i cared. And what did YOU do? WHAT DID YOU DO. what the fuck did you ever do F-O-R me.
when you told me you got knocked up like a common piece of trash you should have flown your ass here and BEGGED me to forgive you. but nope. instead you threw the blame on ME. what a goddamn fool you are & that ugly tattoo suits you well.
you, the fool. me the stupid dog trying to prevent you from walking blindly off the edge.
i cant believe i wasted a DECADE of my life on someone like you. i cant believe i PUT MY LIFE ON HOLD FOR YEARS waiting and waiting and waiting for you to come to your fucking senses. what a blind fool i was to think you would ever grow up. The fact alone that you were fucking teenage boys was proof of your level of mental and emotional maturity.
did i ever get so much as a THANK YOU? no.
did i ever get so much as RESPECT? no. APPRECIATION????
you know what we call brown skinned trailer trash like yourself? roaches. and it really fits. everything you do, everything you say is garbage. it has zero worth, merit or respectability. GARBAGE. you lay on your back and let men shoot their junk into you. time after time AFTER TIME. oh but you hide it so well. you like to pretend you are soooo superior.
A roach. that is all you ever are and ever will be.
there was a time when i wished you would come back to america. but you know what? now? you dont deserve to live in this country. no, you should stay with "your kind". what better place for a roach to live than in a dirty, 3rd world, corrupt country full of unethical, lying, immoral back-stabbing 'people' like yourself?
roaches.
everything good you touch turns to shit. everything loving. what is love to you? love is just another leverage point for you to use/abuse/take advantage of someone.
"The more i know people the more i like animals". i wonder if you ever say that to yourself when looking in the mirror.
what could have been the most amazing story we could have told our grandkids one day? ended up being nothing but a story of some seriously psychologically flawed person who contributed nothing to society, caused nothing but tremendous pain and suffering, oh but had a 'knack' of ruining every. single. relationship. she was ever in. congrats.
i'll never know if you just enjoyed hurting me or just didnt give a damn. but whatever the reason one thing is clear: you did not have a conscious or any guilt about what you were doing to me. no normal, sane person would act the way you did.
--------------------------------------------------------------
there i was, trying to get you to have something so simple as a bloody civil conversation, and you instead would rather cut me with your words. how much of my soul do you think you cut away over the years? how much of my personality did you flay. all of it. old clint is gone. the days of being 'squishy' or wanting to bite cheeks and fingertips are long gone. you probably dont even fucking remember those days. but i do. and when i think of them? it seems like a completely different person.
clint the artist. clint the passionate guy. clint who bent over backwards to prove his worth and love to some slut. no more. love. no more. kindness. no more. drawings of moons with vines. nothing. no more pity. no more sincerity. no more compassion. none. the only thing left is bitterness and hatred.
if only you had even the slightest CLUE of how much i loved you, and how much of myself i gave and sacrificed. but you dont. sure, tell alllll your friends how 'psycho' i am. make yourself to be the 'victim' out of all this. we both know the truth, whether you want to admit it or not. you KILLED it. you CAUSED it. but you never will, will you. you dont know what love really is. your "version" is so fucking distorted that you think it is perfectly fine to sleep around like a dirty slut. shrug it off. then throw it all in the person's face that you just hurt.
You probably don't even remember how nice and sweet and charming i used to be once upon a time. ever wonder why that all went away? gee. guess. take a good guess whoredeiro.
but, no, you live in so much self denial that you probably BELIEVE it was all my fault. right? and maybe it was. my fault FOR STAYING AS LONG AS I DID. for giving you literally hundreds of chances, and hoping for once in your pathetic life you would act like a goddamn normal person, and not some selfish cunt.
i guess when you told me "even if we were together it would not be forever" i should have known you what really meant. "even if we were together i wont hesitate to fuck other people and cheat on you any chance i get". how ironic that you supposedly would "rather read a good book" and yet for some reason ONE dick was never enough for you.
"wow! i'm amazed! i cant believe you found it! oh btw i was just joking about all that stuff. haha. well i dont really appreciate it so i'm going to kick you out of my life now and go fuck other people."
Meanwhile all i ever got was a lifetime of:
"because i can"
"sometimes i know its the wrong thing to do but i do it anyway"
"hey clint, here is this little prince book. what? no, i gave it to someone else too so it doesnt mean a damn thing"
"go slit your wrists"
"you can be in my life, but only like a pet"
"how many presents are you going to bring me?"
"so much for unconditional love"
yet despite all those years of broken promises and emotional torture *I* was the one who kept trying. despite you sending me vile, hurtful, emotionally threatening emails for years *I* was the one who kept engaging you. *I* was the one who tried to get you to reconsider.
Did you ever fucking realize that??!
or how much that took out of me? how much of my soul you drained?
*I* was the one who practically pleaded with you time and again to open your fucking eyes! or get a fucking conscious! who kept giving you chances to prove yourself because maybe just MAYBE one day you would surprise me and act like a normal person. and why. did you ever ask yourself W-H-Y?
there was a time when i wanted you so badly to figure it out. why. why does clint do what he does for you. why does he put himself through all that shit, and time after time he keep picking himself up off the floor of devastation. trying and failing time after time. well it does not matter anymore. as if it ever did.
there is this saying that someone only realizes what they lose after it is gone. apparently whoever said that never met a person like you. you wont ever see what you ruined or who you hurt or even feel guilt about it. because sociopaths dont feel remorse or guilt. the only thing you ever proved is to this day is that you remain a selfish, self centered fraud. hell, you probably have NO CLUE why i am still furious at you after all this time.
but hey, you have more important things to think about when you live a successful chain-smoking, casual sex, kim kardashian premadonna- attention whore-druggy-dog-saving fulfilling life, right?
i REALLY wish you would have gotten knocked up a lot sooner. it sure would have saved me a lot of time and effort. and years. and tens of thousands. and thousands more in drugs for my depression and therapy sessions. i wish to god i had never moved to florida, or put years of my life on hold for you! years you did not even appreciate!
but of course since you live in perpetual denial you wont ever acknowledge the fact that i literally, and i mean LITERALLY put my fucking LIFE on hold. for you.
not that any of that matters.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
December 2006 i wanted to die. How many times do you think i considered doing what you told me? "slit your wrists but make sure to do it vertically not horizontally"
i was living alone, literally in this garage. it had a concrete floor. no kitchen and a bathroom the size of a small closet. it was walled off and tucked away behind a house. during the summer many bugs would hatch and crawl out into the room from the cracks in the thin wood paneling. i think they were termites b/c the whole structure was wood. i lived there for 3 years. December 2006 i laid in my small bed and was in pain. see that is what you dont get, and will never understand. it did not matter if you were around or not. the pain still lingered. for years. and years. AND YEARS! like ripples when you throw a rock in some water.
you were out, living your life. having a grand ol' time. doing drugs, fucking people, all without a care in the world! meanwhile i had to live and try to manage the ruin that you brought upon my life.
and in December that was such a night. pain. so much pain, more than usual amount, because by then i had been accustomed to a certain amount of daily pain. But that night? i just wanted it to stop. i did not care how. i just wanted my torment to end.
it was the middle of night. i had developed bad insomnia over the years. many nights i could not sleep b/c of the emotional pain you brought upon me. i would just toss and turn and writhe in agony. i bet your fucked up ego will get a kick out of that. and yes it was that bad. one night in december 2006 i was in so much pain i prayed. Yes, me the atheist, prayed. i called out for god to 'please do something!'. i did not care what. just anything to take the pain away.
and then not soon after you sent me an email out of the blue. "i want to tie up some loose ends" you told me. nice to know i was nothing but a loose end. and then we talked... and talked more. and more which somehow turned into a couple months. one thing stood out: you gave some shitty speech about wanting to trust each other again. you probably don't remember any of this b/c your words were always words of convenience, while mine were sincere and from the heart.
the mistake i made was believing you.
and we both know how that ended. your so called desire for 'trust' evaporated very soon after. you never once backed up ANY of your empty words with action.
when i was younger only i thought it was a phase. and that if i could somehow show you there was something amazing out there, that you would take it. boy was i wrong. you proved time and again that you are incapable of having SANE, NORMAL, HEALTHY relationships with HUMANS so you resort to animals. oh and casual sex with throwaway men.
oh, but actually, I really hope that you keep smoking. And please keep tanning yourself to the point of looking like a black person. Oh and i hope are still doing drugs, and having more unprotected sex. no, really. please keep living the life "to the fullest" like you claim. Because sooner or later it will catch up to you. And the more you do them, the greater the change of getting lung cancer, an STD or skin cancer. and then maybe, just maybe you'll finally have to face the consequences of your actions!
And let me tell you, i have seen someone in my family die of cancer first hand. And it was the most excruciating pain i have ever seen someone go through. He was on morphine and still was suffering badly. with any luck and your blatant stupidity maybe you will contract that as well. and really, you must be quite stupid b/c you of all people, who had a grandfather die from those cancer sticks.
it used to hurt me so much seeing you damage yourself in such a way but honestly i dont care what you do anymore. i just hope you keep killing yourself. i bet you wont last past 40. you had choices. you chose to kill yourself with smoking. you chose to have unprotected sex countless times. Or i guess little miss denial thought she was bulletproof? If there is any justice in the universe you will one day suffer for the pain and misery equal to what YOU have caused other people.
look at it close. Take a good look. You have no idea what it is so i will tell you.
THAT is my dad's stock room. THAT is the bed where i slept and where i lived for nearly a year.
WHY? all because of you.
always doing things for you.
i needed to save up as much money as possible for my move to florida. So that is where i slept every night.
THAT is where i literally sat and waited the PHONE CALL you promised you would make from the airport. i sat on the side of that bed, waiting. waiting. waiting.
THAT is where i read the angry candy book after driving 6 hours round trip to the ONLY fucking library in the STATE that had the damn thing.
through all of this decade you never appreciated a fucking thing i did or put myself through for you. You have never treated me or my feelings with respect. PRINCESS WHOREDEIRO always did whatever she damn well pleased.
You had a CHOICE!!!
and every goddam time you chose to act selfishly. to fuck someone else and to ruin what we had. dick after dick after dick. Ever wonder how many gallons of sperm you have had deposited into you over the years?
and you know what? being a selfish slut is reason enough to hate you for the rest of my life.
acting without a conscious and meanwhile at the same time depriving me of so much. Deprived me emotionally. Deprived me physically. deprived me of even basic things most people take for granted. *WE* certainly dont have ANY stories that dont involve pain you caused. or you fucking someone else. DO YOU REALIZE THAT??? How you fucking R-U-I-N RELATIONSHIPS?!
there are so many things you will never see. never experience. things i wanted, wished and hoped for but never shared.
so much that i did for you but you never knew about and will never appreciate. So many things you missed out on in your life because of you stupidity and selfishness.
years pass and things vanish. People die. And you have missed countless opportunities. and never even knew about them, or how magical or special they were. parts of myself and parts of my life you will never know.
gone. just like me.
i was the greatest thing to never happen to you. and i have no doubt that you will gloss over this sentence b/c you are too stupid to comprehend it. you really are stupid when you think about all the things you have said and done to me over the years. but that is neither here nor there and i doubt you will remember any of it. how convenient.
so who cares, right? who cares i literally put years of my life on hold for you. who cares about everything i had sacrificed. Who cares how badly I kept trying to share something special with you. all that matters is YOU in your selfish world. oh, sorry, and those stupid dogs.
"the more i know people the more i like animals"
hey, i have a slogan too "the more i know people the more i am convinced they are nothing but dirty, filthy whores with no conscious that lie and cheat and have no regard for the feelings of other people".
Thanks for teaching me that lesson. That people, especially YOU, have no redeeming value at all.
YOU CANNOT IMAGINE HOW EMBARRASSING AND HUMILIATING IT IS TO LOVE SOMEONE, AND CARE FOR THEM, TO BE THERE FOR THEM, to do things out of the kindness of your heart and with Sincerity AND YET HAVE THAT SAME PERSON LIE TO YOUR FUCKING FACE AND ACT LIKE A STUPID, S-E-L-F-I-S-H LITTLE WHORE WITH NO CONSCIOUS.
all the sacrifices i made for you. all the years i wasted. all for what. You tell me what was it all for. What did I get out of it. i gave up so many things all for your worthless ass. You have no god damn idea the extent. and you wont ever know half of it because you were never around. you never saw what i did or went through. and i really don't feel like telling you.
And let me be clear. all those years i kept giving you chance after chance? it was not because of anything YOU did. no. it was because i kept HOPING you would STOP being a predictable, pathetic, disappointing, hurtful failure. you never surprised me. you were always so fucking predictable.
You were always so willing to spread your legs open for anyone at any time. "its easier to let them have sex with me than to tell them no" i'm sure you dont remember telling me that either. but i do. i remember every stupid thing you ever said and did. gosh! i must be the luckiest person alive to have a memory like that.
but little did i know at the time was how dirty you were and you never used condoms. maybe if i had known that little fact much sooner i would not have wasted so many years on trash like you. you are probably a walking STD by now. in many ways i consider myself lucky i never stuck my dick in that sewer you call a vagina.
here lets do a little test. name ONE person other than me that you told 'no' to. name ONE other person who you turned down and did not fuck. ONE person who you did not let treat you like some sperm dumpster.
btw ever wonder why i never remember any 'good' things you did? maybe, just MAYBE because everything you did was tainted by you being a stupid whore and fucking someone at the time.
you know what else? i am 10000000% positive you N-E-V-E-R would have told me you fucked your teenage boy toy of yours AGAIN if you had not supposedly gotten pregnant. You would have continued to lie to me for all eternity. Just like all the other times you kept me in the dark, while sucking all the good things out of me.How pathetic you treat people that you supposedly "love" in such a manner.
i suppose i should not be all surprised what kind of DISHONEST person you are. after all, you are a spitting image of your father. a liar, a cheat, and adulterer. apple does not fall far from the tree does it?
if ever you one day feel like being HONEST with yourself for once, then how about you start with that! start with the FACT that you sleep around and LIE to people you CLAIM to care about. Start there. But i seriously doub't you'll ever admit the truth and be honest with yourself. You would probably kill yourself if you admitted all the horrors you caused to other people.
want to know something interesting? after thousands of dollars of therapy sessions, after talking with many professionals, psychologists, psychologists etc? they all arrive at the same conclusion. that you are a fucking nutcase. and they are astounded, ASTOUNDED that i had the mental and emotional stamina put up with your worthless, lying, emotionally dysfunctional self for as long as i did.
But they, like you, will never really know what kind of hell i went through.
Btw, hey remember that time when you asked me to take some kind of psychology survey for your class? Doubt it. it was around the time when you also had to act out some kind of stupid play or whatever for your class. no, i doubt you'd remember that either. Maybe if you laid off the drugs you would remember more.
know what i was doing during that time? Since i didnt have my own internet i would draw. each night before sleep i would draw stuff. sometimes if i didnt feel like drawing i would even work on the book i was making. there was actually going to be 2 books. i came up with this other idea that i would make a book out of all the correspondence we sent each other. "the book of us". a book of memories. of fears and hopes and in the end there would have been a happy ending b/c i knew for sure we would end up together. how fucking romantic.
back then sometimes you would sign your emails at the bottom with 'us'. back then i used to pretend that meant something. just like i would pretend it meant something when you called me 'sweety' and how i ignored the fact that you called just about every goddamn stranger that as well. the difference between me lying to myself, and you? I WANTED TO BELIEVE. i wanted to fucking believe in something, that you were a good person.
guess i was wrong, huh.
little did i know at the time how all those probably millions upon millions of words would be worthless to you. would not make any difference. how you proved time after time AFTER TIME how my life and existence was meaningless to you. how you proved without a shadow of a doubt how you had ZERO RESPECT for me and how i felt. that everything i went through for you was of no consequence. that you would literally FUCK it all away.
but see back then i cherished those emails at the time. i wanted to believe. i remember sometimes i would read your emails 3-4 times, trying to glean every bit of information out of them. you had me feeding out of your palm, and i'm sure you were well aware. i'm sure your little ego was sooo inflated by all the stuff i would write to you. back then i felt what we had was meaningful. important. that *I* was meaningful and important. that it could be the most important thing of our lives.
you saw to it that it wasnt.
I did other stupid things like pay attention to what you would tell me. I remember listening to you about something you told me one day. then i remember making a mental note to myself that if we were ever together, if we ever got a house one day, that i would get you your very own room. it could be a study, it could have been an anything room. but it would be YOUR room. and yours alone. because i remembered how you would tell me how you would wish you had more space to yourself. see, i remembered shit like that.
you know what conclusion i ultimately came to? that i was nothing but an emotional fluffer for you. you would come to me when you needed your ego pumped. then when you had your fill you would discard me, and unceremoniously toss me out of your life. again and again and again AND AGAIN. what a fool i was to believe all your bullshit. To believe you were being sincere. what an idiot i was to love someone like you in the first place.
you would come to me with your stupid problems, when you felt bad, when you were miserable, when you were 'going through something' and *I* would be there for you. *I* would be there with love and support, and try to do whatever i could to help because i cared. And what did YOU do? WHAT DID YOU DO. what the fuck did you ever do F-O-R me.
when you told me you got knocked up like a common piece of trash you should have flown your ass here and BEGGED me to forgive you. but nope. instead you threw the blame on ME. what a goddamn fool you are & that ugly tattoo suits you well.
you, the fool. me the stupid dog trying to prevent you from walking blindly off the edge.
i cant believe i wasted a DECADE of my life on someone like you. i cant believe i PUT MY LIFE ON HOLD FOR YEARS waiting and waiting and waiting for you to come to your fucking senses. what a blind fool i was to think you would ever grow up. The fact alone that you were fucking teenage boys was proof of your level of mental and emotional maturity.
did i ever get so much as a THANK YOU? no.
did i ever get so much as RESPECT? no. APPRECIATION????
you know what we call brown skinned trailer trash like yourself? roaches. and it really fits. everything you do, everything you say is garbage. it has zero worth, merit or respectability. GARBAGE. you lay on your back and let men shoot their junk into you. time after time AFTER TIME. oh but you hide it so well. you like to pretend you are soooo superior.
A roach. that is all you ever are and ever will be.
there was a time when i wished you would come back to america. but you know what? now? you dont deserve to live in this country. no, you should stay with "your kind". what better place for a roach to live than in a dirty, 3rd world, corrupt country full of unethical, lying, immoral back-stabbing 'people' like yourself?
roaches.
everything good you touch turns to shit. everything loving. what is love to you? love is just another leverage point for you to use/abuse/take advantage of someone.
"The more i know people the more i like animals". i wonder if you ever say that to yourself when looking in the mirror.
what could have been the most amazing story we could have told our grandkids one day? ended up being nothing but a story of some seriously psychologically flawed person who contributed nothing to society, caused nothing but tremendous pain and suffering, oh but had a 'knack' of ruining every. single. relationship. she was ever in. congrats.
you had choices.
you CHOSE to do wrong, hurtful things time after time.
you CHOSE to fuck other losers and disregard my feelings.
you CHOSE to disregard me and disrespect how i felt.
you CHOSE to leave me to rot in florida.
You CHOSE to be a selfish little liar.
i'll never know if you just enjoyed hurting me or just didnt give a damn. but whatever the reason one thing is clear: you did not have a conscious or any guilt about what you were doing to me. no normal, sane person would act the way you did.
--------------------------------------------------------------
there i was, trying to get you to have something so simple as a bloody civil conversation, and you instead would rather cut me with your words. how much of my soul do you think you cut away over the years? how much of my personality did you flay. all of it. old clint is gone. the days of being 'squishy' or wanting to bite cheeks and fingertips are long gone. you probably dont even fucking remember those days. but i do. and when i think of them? it seems like a completely different person.
clint the artist. clint the passionate guy. clint who bent over backwards to prove his worth and love to some slut. no more. love. no more. kindness. no more. drawings of moons with vines. nothing. no more pity. no more sincerity. no more compassion. none. the only thing left is bitterness and hatred.
if only you had even the slightest CLUE of how much i loved you, and how much of myself i gave and sacrificed. but you dont. sure, tell alllll your friends how 'psycho' i am. make yourself to be the 'victim' out of all this. we both know the truth, whether you want to admit it or not. you KILLED it. you CAUSED it. but you never will, will you. you dont know what love really is. your "version" is so fucking distorted that you think it is perfectly fine to sleep around like a dirty slut. shrug it off. then throw it all in the person's face that you just hurt.
You probably don't even remember how nice and sweet and charming i used to be once upon a time. ever wonder why that all went away? gee. guess. take a good guess whoredeiro.
but, no, you live in so much self denial that you probably BELIEVE it was all my fault. right? and maybe it was. my fault FOR STAYING AS LONG AS I DID. for giving you literally hundreds of chances, and hoping for once in your pathetic life you would act like a goddamn normal person, and not some selfish cunt.
i guess when you told me "even if we were together it would not be forever" i should have known you what really meant. "even if we were together i wont hesitate to fuck other people and cheat on you any chance i get". how ironic that you supposedly would "rather read a good book" and yet for some reason ONE dick was never enough for you.
you are such a fucking hypocrite.
---------------
"no clint. i dont want you to become some frat boy party guy. i detest those kinds of people. oh and i hate muscles too. i hate all those beefy muscular men. stay just the way you are"
years down the road i find pictures of you hanging off the back of a muscular fratty beach boy. complete with a gay earring of all things.
---------------
"hm. durrr. i think, maybe i only, like, maybe had casual sex, like uhhh once in my life. and it sucked"
no. you stupid in-denial slut. only in your dissociative fucked up head of yours. FACT is you've had PLENTY of casual sex, throughout your lifetime. but only a person like you would compulsively lie to even yourself!
every person you fucked that you were not in a relationship with? casual!
every person you fucked while visiting your mom? casual!
every person you fucked outside of your supposed monogamous relationship? casual!
every person you fucked while they visited you for two weeks? casual!
does not bloody matter if they were ex-boyfriends/girlfriends, raccoons, whatever. ANY person you cheated on? C-A-S-U-A-L. casual. casual!!! get that through your stupid pea brain of yours.
---------------
"haha. no. i dont do dates"
years later: "let me tell you the story of how while on a date some guy fake proposed to me in a restaurant. he even had a video camera."
----------------
"gosh. can you believe heather? how could she do something like that to her boyfriend? not only cheat on him but get pregnant too?" (yeah. you went on and on and said lots of disparaging remarks)
i dont think i need to point out yet another example of hypocrisy.
----------------
"hey clint, if you find this old, obscure movie that i saw when i was 9, but dont remember the name, or plot, or anything about it, but i will be soooo grateful. i will marry you! oh but you have to be good at giving back rubs too"
and after searching god knows how many fucking hours yet somehow managing to find it???
"wow! i'm amazed! i cant believe you found it! oh btw i was just joking about all that stuff. haha. well i dont really appreciate it so i'm going to kick you out of my life now and go fuck other people."
how convenient you have selective amnesia. But fact is that 99% of your stupid life stories involve some person you fucked.
flavia drives 3+ hours each weekend to melbourne.
flavia buys carol a $500 dog.
flavia stays in the hospital taking care of her beloved saulo when he got the flu for 2 weeks.
flavia is sooooo gracious. such a wonderful person.
i challenge you to think of ONE thing you actually did FOR me. one thing where you actually went out of your way *FOR* me. and something that was not overshadowed by you either fucking someone else, or treating me like a used tampon afterward.
we both know you never will.
never have.
never, not a single goddamn thing.
Meanwhile all i ever got was a lifetime of:
"because i can"
"sometimes i know its the wrong thing to do but i do it anyway"
"hey clint, here is this little prince book. what? no, i gave it to someone else too so it doesnt mean a damn thing"
"go slit your wrists"
"you can be in my life, but only like a pet"
"how many presents are you going to bring me?"
"so much for unconditional love"
yet despite all those years of broken promises and emotional torture *I* was the one who kept trying. despite you sending me vile, hurtful, emotionally threatening emails for years *I* was the one who kept engaging you. *I* was the one who tried to get you to reconsider.
Did you ever fucking realize that??!
or how much that took out of me? how much of my soul you drained?
*I* was the one who practically pleaded with you time and again to open your fucking eyes! or get a fucking conscious! who kept giving you chances to prove yourself because maybe just MAYBE one day you would surprise me and act like a normal person. and why. did you ever ask yourself W-H-Y?
there was a time when i wanted you so badly to figure it out. why. why does clint do what he does for you. why does he put himself through all that shit, and time after time he keep picking himself up off the floor of devastation. trying and failing time after time. well it does not matter anymore. as if it ever did.
there is this saying that someone only realizes what they lose after it is gone. apparently whoever said that never met a person like you. you wont ever see what you ruined or who you hurt or even feel guilt about it. because sociopaths dont feel remorse or guilt. the only thing you ever proved is to this day is that you remain a selfish, self centered fraud. hell, you probably have NO CLUE why i am still furious at you after all this time.
but hey, you have more important things to think about when you live a successful chain-smoking, casual sex, kim kardashian premadonna- attention whore-druggy-dog-saving fulfilling life, right?
i REALLY wish you would have gotten knocked up a lot sooner. it sure would have saved me a lot of time and effort. and years. and tens of thousands. and thousands more in drugs for my depression and therapy sessions. i wish to god i had never moved to florida, or put years of my life on hold for you! years you did not even appreciate!
but of course since you live in perpetual denial you wont ever acknowledge the fact that i literally, and i mean LITERALLY put my fucking LIFE on hold. for you.
not that any of that matters.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
December 2006 i wanted to die. How many times do you think i considered doing what you told me? "slit your wrists but make sure to do it vertically not horizontally"
i was living alone, literally in this garage. it had a concrete floor. no kitchen and a bathroom the size of a small closet. it was walled off and tucked away behind a house. during the summer many bugs would hatch and crawl out into the room from the cracks in the thin wood paneling. i think they were termites b/c the whole structure was wood. i lived there for 3 years. December 2006 i laid in my small bed and was in pain. see that is what you dont get, and will never understand. it did not matter if you were around or not. the pain still lingered. for years. and years. AND YEARS! like ripples when you throw a rock in some water.
you were out, living your life. having a grand ol' time. doing drugs, fucking people, all without a care in the world! meanwhile i had to live and try to manage the ruin that you brought upon my life.
and in December that was such a night. pain. so much pain, more than usual amount, because by then i had been accustomed to a certain amount of daily pain. But that night? i just wanted it to stop. i did not care how. i just wanted my torment to end.
it was the middle of night. i had developed bad insomnia over the years. many nights i could not sleep b/c of the emotional pain you brought upon me. i would just toss and turn and writhe in agony. i bet your fucked up ego will get a kick out of that. and yes it was that bad. one night in december 2006 i was in so much pain i prayed. Yes, me the atheist, prayed. i called out for god to 'please do something!'. i did not care what. just anything to take the pain away.
and then not soon after you sent me an email out of the blue. "i want to tie up some loose ends" you told me. nice to know i was nothing but a loose end. and then we talked... and talked more. and more which somehow turned into a couple months. one thing stood out: you gave some shitty speech about wanting to trust each other again. you probably don't remember any of this b/c your words were always words of convenience, while mine were sincere and from the heart.
the mistake i made was believing you.
and we both know how that ended. your so called desire for 'trust' evaporated very soon after. you never once backed up ANY of your empty words with action.
when i was younger only i thought it was a phase. and that if i could somehow show you there was something amazing out there, that you would take it. boy was i wrong. you proved time and again that you are incapable of having SANE, NORMAL, HEALTHY relationships with HUMANS so you resort to animals. oh and casual sex with throwaway men.
oh, but actually, I really hope that you keep smoking. And please keep tanning yourself to the point of looking like a black person. Oh and i hope are still doing drugs, and having more unprotected sex. no, really. please keep living the life "to the fullest" like you claim. Because sooner or later it will catch up to you. And the more you do them, the greater the change of getting lung cancer, an STD or skin cancer. and then maybe, just maybe you'll finally have to face the consequences of your actions!
And let me tell you, i have seen someone in my family die of cancer first hand. And it was the most excruciating pain i have ever seen someone go through. He was on morphine and still was suffering badly. with any luck and your blatant stupidity maybe you will contract that as well. and really, you must be quite stupid b/c you of all people, who had a grandfather die from those cancer sticks.
it used to hurt me so much seeing you damage yourself in such a way but honestly i dont care what you do anymore. i just hope you keep killing yourself. i bet you wont last past 40. you had choices. you chose to kill yourself with smoking. you chose to have unprotected sex countless times. Or i guess little miss denial thought she was bulletproof? If there is any justice in the universe you will one day suffer for the pain and misery equal to what YOU have caused other people.
Do you remember what you did moonwhisperings?
you
want to know something about me? i remember pretty much everything. not
photographic memory but damn near close enough. you think that is fun
for me? think again.
i
still remember shit like what color shirt you wore on a certain day. or
how you had some pants that were so long you had these huge cuffs at
the bottom. pointless, meaningless crap. you buying a clue game from a
garage sale. the color of your car. the nin sticker on the back window.
believe me, there have been a hell of a lot of pointless crap in all the
years i knew you.
you
want to know the absolute truth? When you told me you fucked 5 people
before you were 18 i always thought that was pretty slutty. Oh, but see,
back then i was different. Back then i was foolish enough to
hope/wish/dream that you were just some stupid teenager and had learned
from all your bad decisions. Back then i cared. I gave you compassion
and love and empathy. I tried to support you, and not judge based on
your past but look to who you were in your present. Yet how was i
suppose to know that you would never grow or learn as you got older. No,
you just kept repeating the same patterns over and over and over again.
to you the words "i love you" were just a confirmation that you would
lie and cheat on that person. You treated people just the way your dad
treated your mom, when he fucked other people then abandoned her and
you.
thinking
back on all those years i wasted on a piece of trash like yourself i
cant decide who was more pathetic. me? for giving you years of my life.
giving you love. giving you compassion. trying to understand you. trying
to reason with you. trying to forgive you for every hurtful thing you
ever did to me.
Or you.
for
being who you are. nothing but a selfish, self serving, lying hypocrite
who spreads her legs for anyone that wants a piece of you. oh except me
that is.
you
ever wonder about that? i sure have. plenty. How you could be a dirty
slut and fuck whomever, whenever. And yet when it came to me you
suddenly found morals or whatever. Oh but it didnt stop you from fucking
other people at the same time. Nope. Just me.
No.
i doubt you ever think about any of this. Or your life. Or the pain you
caused. Or the lies you spun. You have you head so far up the ass of
denial your whole consciousness is blind to the FACTS of what you have
done to people. It is probably the only way you continue on, otherwise
you would kill yourself.
deniability
is your way of life isnt it. know what i remember? when i wrote your
beloved jeremy about the truth. when i sent him a letter of all the
things you did. all the times you went to visit your mom and ended up
fucking saulo, while supposedly claiming you cared about him, and loved
me. and when he asked you to lunch and gave you that letter and you
started crying and ran away. you know what you said to me? "he was
innocent. he did not deserve to be hurt like that"
now think about that statement for a moment. You. blaming me. For hurting him.
no, you fucking slut.
YOU hurt him.
YOU fucked other people.
YOU lied to him.
YOU cheated on him.
hell,
you were also carrying on with me for years too. you cheated on him
either physically or emotionally with more than one person for ALLLLL
the years you were together.
and yet little denial flavia blamed *ME* for hurting him.
what a fucking joke.
the list goes on and on and one. but one predictable pattern emerges. flavia corderio ruins relationships. you.
you never change. you never fail to fuck things up.
you know what would have been the smart thing to do? i should have dumped your worthless ass years ago.
i should have said "you know what? sure i spent a year in preparation to moving to florida for this whore. sure i wasted thousands already on her. but she is not worth this".
i should have cut you off completely after you gave me the "relationships are not a democracy" speech.
i should have realized right then and there you were never going to learn.
Never learn and never change. Oh but believe me, one thing is certain. I thought that statement was one of the most absurd things i've ever heard in my life. relationships are not a democracy? really? is that really how you viewed them?
that right there should have opened my eyes to the truth. You just have no clue about people and what a healthy, sane relationship should be like.
but back then i was stupid. i loved you. and see, my love does not mean "i will fuck other people and betray you". my love was the real thing. so what did i do?
I doubt you remember.
For the first 6 months of being in florida I tried to talk to you. I tried calling, I sent emails. I sent you poetry. remember? didn't think so. I tried to hang out at psychology classes hoping maybe I would find you ~somewhere~ just so i could fucking talk to you.
but you ignored me. ignored. a person who loved you. a person who gave you his heart. you treated him like a piece of trash. like something worthless. unwanted.
and for what??? so you could continue living your selfish, self centered whore lifestyle.
know what else i remember? you telling me the day you moved out of his apt. when you FINALLY moved out (and it was not a matter of if but when). that same night, not even waiting a day to pass, you and carol fucked. pattern number 2 emerges. as soon as you break up with one person you hardly wait before jumping into bed with someone else. yeah perfect example of being a pathetic whore. how many times have you done this? you break up, jump into bed with someone else. like clockwork.
lets not forget the fact that you did not leave him for me. a person who uprooted his entire fucking LIFE. no. you soon established that fact as well. everything i ever did was of little value to you. nope. it did not signify anything. it did not mean anything that i took a semester of classes to raise my gpa. then passed the gre to get into grad school. then had to apply and get accepted to that ONE specific school all for my plan to work. do you know the probability of that actually happening? do you know how much i busted my ass to make it happen?
no. you dont and never will. all you cared about was yourself. and whomever you happened to be spreading your legs open for at the time.
Back then i was so fucking stupid.
see, you always made this statement. something like how you didnt want me to put you on a pedestal or whatever. in your simpleton mind, you must have assumed i thought you were infallible. perfect. that you could do no wrong.
hardly.
fact is i thought you were a seriously flawed human being. deeply, seriously flawed. i thought you were a liar. a hypocrite. a slut. but i also cared about you. that was my mistake. caring for a 'person' (and i use that term lightly) such as yourself. my mistake to give you REAL love. REAL kindness. REAL compassion. stupid or maybe naive to think maybe you would realize what i was giving you and become something better.
you really have no idea how much hell you put me through. no fucking clue. you were too busy partying. too busy fucking other people and going to fetish clubs. too busy taking your drugs and getting wasted. one day you showed up at my apartment and your jaw hurt. remember why? because you told me you took ecstasy the night before.
you think its fun to remember all this shit? like how one time you made me promise not to talk to you for 6 months? and i didn't want to agree because i knew you would never keep up your side of the deal? Or how you didn't care what me promising something like that would tear me apart. Or how during that time you told me to look at you, and i told you no. and you were SHOCKED because nobody ever told you no before!
you think i want to remember you at all? or anything? like how for YEARS i kept the ticket stubs from when we went to vizcaya? see, back then, for me time with you was precious. special. meaningful. important. for you it was nothing. for you it was just a small footnote along your story of drugs and fucking other people. i probably would have kept those tickets for many more years if i had not mailed them to you. And yet little did i know that by then you had already left the country. oh and didnt bother to tell me. no. selfish, self centered cunt flavia cordeiro decided to just let me rot in floridahell for however long i managed to last.
the
painfully ironic truth to this is that carol of all people was a hell
of a lot nicer than you ever were to me. imagine that!
by all accounts she and i should have been enemies, but i was surprised when she showed more compassion and care for me and my welfare than you did EVER. sometimes i wonder if she is even still alive because after you fucked her over too she was in terrible shape doing heavy drugs.
you've no idea how much pain you caused. You live in denial about all of it, happily content to just use your next victim. how many nights i laid awake with insomnia writhing in psychological and emotional agony because i knew you didn't care what you were doing to me. because i KNEW you were probably out fucking someone else. because i knew that nothing i ever said or did made any god damn difference.
by all accounts she and i should have been enemies, but i was surprised when she showed more compassion and care for me and my welfare than you did EVER. sometimes i wonder if she is even still alive because after you fucked her over too she was in terrible shape doing heavy drugs.
you've no idea how much pain you caused. You live in denial about all of it, happily content to just use your next victim. how many nights i laid awake with insomnia writhing in psychological and emotional agony because i knew you didn't care what you were doing to me. because i KNEW you were probably out fucking someone else. because i knew that nothing i ever said or did made any god damn difference.
i could stay and nothing would change or i could leave and nothing would change. do you know what that feels like? to know without a doubt that your life, your love, your acts of love, your EVERYTHING, your very existence has less weight than a piece of dog shit you might step in? at least if you step in dog shit you stop and scrape it off. i could not even make that much difference.
but no, of course not. of course you would have no idea. let me ask you something, how many hundreds of nights do you think you made me cry? or how many hundreds of nights you made me wish for death, for the pain to just end.
there were YEARS when i would leave my apartment door unlocked hoping, PRAYING someone would break in and kill me. there were nights when i wished my mom would have aborted me, and saving me YEARS of pain and emotional anguish you caused me.
but hey. none of that matters. all that matters is those pathetic animals you try to save and whoever you are letting you fuck at the moment. your actions, the pain you caused, none of it is of consequence to you. all the lies you spoke. all the broken promises. you wont ever atone. you wont ever apologize. you wont ever try to change your ways. you wont ever try to accept responsibility for anything you did. that was clear as day. finally.
honestly sometimes i am grateful you got yourself supposedly pregnant. because FINALLY, then and there i FINALLY realized what kind of person you would forever be. and that you would always blame others. and FINALLY after a decade of this shit, woke up and realized what i needed to do.
i needed to get rid of you once and for all. for good. because you are nothing but a toxic hell in my life. and as long as i kept forgiving you, as long as i kept giving you chance after chance, you would keep fucking other people and hurting me. keep breaking promise after promise. keep doing what you typically do.
but quite honestly the truth was there the day you ran out of that hotel crying. the day you discarded our relationship so easily. how you hung up on me in mid-sentence when you FINALLY let me talk to you after 6 months. how you responded "because i can" when i asked you point blank why you hurt me.
the flags were there years ago. but i was stupid. i kept loving you and hoping you would change.
you dont know how many times i would wish for you to just ONCE act like a normal person.
so much for unconditional love, right?
what the hell do you know about it?
your definition of "love" is to be a lying whore and sleeping around.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
| ME: 2001: Driving all the way to south florida just to talk to you. or, maybe better to say just to try to get you to talk to me. you knew i was coming, but you were hurtful, cruel and a cold-hearted bitch. but i drove there anyway because that is what a person does to prove sincerity. what a person does out of love. it took 15 hours to get there, not that you gave a shit. Or how about the times when i would call you, even in the middle of the night JUST because you would send me an email like "i wish you were around right now". Little did you know that i blew off my friend, made an excuse to go back to my apartment JUST so i could call you. So many, many, many little things i did over the years that you took for granted. | YOU: 2001: You contribute nothing positive to my life or anything of purposeful merit. You Don't let me talk to you. in fact you completely snub me when i drove all 1000 miles to ft.lauderdale and are very mean about it. even threatening me. Nothing but a hurtful tyrant who acted like a spoiled brat when I didn't do what you commanded. Pure and simple, an emotional bully. Right then and there i should have dumped your worthless, ungrateful ass. you did nothing but drink, and do drugs, sleep around when you went to visit you mom for a couple months, and party and act in a stupid selfish manner. this entire year you contributed nothing positive. All you gave in return for my love was just pain. just hurt. what did YOU ever do for ME? |
so much for unconditional love, right?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
| ME: 2002: I went back to college to bump my GPA. all to get into graduate school. i bust my ass because the only way to increase it high enough was to get all As in all my classes, which i somehow managed to do. meanwhile i write stories and poetry to you. one day you tell me about some story that reminded you of me or some dramatic bullshit. And i lapped it up like a dog. Because you deprived me and treated me like shit so much in the past, i thought this was a good sign. I wanted so badly to believe i actually MEANT something, and was not just some disposable 'nothing' to you. So what do i do? i drive three hours to the only library in the state to read that damn Harlan Ellison book. later that year i take the GRE, and pass, then i have to secure thousands of dollars in student loans, then on top of that, i have to actually get ACCEPTED into the ONE grad school that i enroll in. later that year i drive to florida yet again. oh but at least this time you remembered some common courtesy. but i guess it was all fun and games for you, huh. acting all dramatic and running out of hotel rooms crying. you knew i would go after you. i wonder, what would you have done if i had not? what if i said 'fuck her hysterics' and stayed in my room? I doubt anything would have changed. After all, its not like the outcome would have been any different for me. you want to know what i think? the reason you ran out the room crying? because at that time, at that moment, you truly *felt* what it was to be genuinely loved. and it TERRIFIED you. to think, all it took was me gently touching your cheek and you burst into tears and run away. i guess for you it has always been easier to fuck people that are easy to cut/replace. i always knew if you ever crossed that threshold with me it would have been a hell of a lot more difficult for you. | YOU: 2002: You continue to contribute nothing positive to my life. not a single positive thing. you dont *DO* anything for me to prove you even give a damn. Nothing but stringing me along with empty words. How fun it must have been for you, to see me strung along like some love-struck puppet. How stupid I was to think all those things you would say to me actually meant something. Yet deep down you are the same selfish, uncaring bitch. and just party, drink do drugs and other stupid, childish things. You make promises you never keep. like for example how you promised to call me when you were at the airport. which i am SURE you dont even remember. oh, who cares about that, right? well i do. Because of you and that broken promise, i gave up the last chance to see my grandmother alive. god, what a fool i was. to think you actually would keep your word on even the simplest of things. you see this picture?  Can you ever think of a single time that I had smiled like that whn I was around you? No? I wonder why. You give me your best guess why. I don't even remember the last time I smiled like that. Maybe this picture was the last. It seems so strange, so foreign to me to see me smiling like that. Back when I still had something to smile about. That is my grandma, the person who died. The person i blew off seeing in the hospital just so i could get a phone call from you. The call that never happened. When my grandmother died I was taking fucking finals at grad school. and to top it off i did not really want to be there. i hated that school, i hated that city and i hated the people. i was only there because of a person who treated me like i didnt even bloody exist. someone i cared for and who actually cared about me died and i could not even go to the funeral because of it. i hope one day you realize how much i sacrificed for you, but i seriously doubt it. i seriously doubt that you can even comprehend the magnitude of what i had to give up for you. and the astounding thing is that i did it for NOTHING. i have absolutely nothing positive to show for any of it. oh but it gets better. when your worthless boyfriend finds out about me, what do you do? you get rid of me. me of all people! And you and i both know that i did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DESERVE IT!! An ENTIRE YEAR of preparation in order to move my life to florida... FOR WHAT? You could not even do me the common courtesy to even consider my feelings or how i felt. What a fucking slap in the face. to be your goddamn scapegoat. What a damn idiot you were, and would continue to be. you choose to stay with some spineless person who let you walk all over him, and who let you do whatever you damn well pleased, a person whom you had previous cheated on MORE THAN ONCE, and who you always said made you miserable, who you constantly complained about, who was so inept in bed that he probably could not give you an orgasm if you had pages of the kama sutra tattooed onto both your ass cheeks. The list goes on and on. But who gives a shit about clint? obviously not you. obviously since 'relationships are not a democracy'. right? What did you expect me to do? just say "oh ok. well you just fucked me over and threw me under the bus. i guess i'll be going quietly then." sorry but i was never one of your slaves/puppets that just went along with whatever you dictated. thinking back on it, and how awful you were to me. i should have said 'fuck this ungrateful bitch' and turned my car around and drove back to louisiana. and never look back. NEVER fucking look back. Because i deserved a hell of a lot more than what YOU gave me, which was next to zero. But no. instead i was influenced by my love i felt. Back then i still had 'hope' and 'optimism'. lot of good that did, right? you stupid cunt would never comprehend something amazing if it up and drove 1000 miles to florida and stayed there for 3 years and who lived literally a few miles away from you. oh and i will let you in on a little secret. i heard his voice one time. one day i called you and you put me on hold, but for whatever reason i could hear your phone call with him. you want to know what i immediately thought? what a squeaky, slimy, weaselly voice he had. To think you used to drive.. what was it? 3? HOURS? each weekend just so he could screw you. meanwhile in the span of a decade you never did a single thing for me. |
but so much for unconditional love, right?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
| ME: 2003: The first year of hell. the year where i spent most of it alone. in a place where i did not know a single person. all because of some other person. a person who hurt me. refused to even talk to me until 6 months later. a person who only agreed to meet me in october of that year. and only at a specific date for a specific time. 'relationships are not a democracy' remember. it did not matter that i sent you letters. and no, not spiteful, hurtful letters. but letters of love. of compassion. of pouring my heart out. ignored. all of it. but most of all of trying to understand. trying to figure out why you were doing the things you did. trying to figure out why you were causing me so much pain. and what did you tell me one time? "because i can". when you finally agreed to meet me after 10 months i brought you the little endless book. see, even though you treated me like diarrhea for 10+ months, i still thought of you. let me ask you to think for one second how painful do you think it would be for a person to give his all, give everything he had, and yet the other person refused to even SEE you for another 10 months? Although whats the point of asking you such questions. its not like trying to explain all this to you in the past ever made any kind of difference or stopped you from continuing to hurt me. | YOU: 2003: How the hell should i know what you did. other than having sex with carol the first night you moved in together like a good little whore. all i know is what you DID NOT do. like treat me with RESPECT, or to regard or consider any of my feelings or how your actions would hurt me. i was nothing to you. in your world i did not even exist. you made sure of that. out of sight, out of mind. this is when i really started to question what your definition of 'love' meant. in your fucked up world it was perfectly accepted to treat a person you claimed to love in such a way. |
so much for unconditional love, right?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
| ME: 2004: More of the same. at least after a year of constantly trying, you finally start to talk to me again. but it is just bullshit. "there were times when you used to take my breath away but now i realize i was just choking on your bullshit". sound familiar? it should since you posted that on your facebook page. i bet you dont see the irony of that statement. of how it "fits" you perfectly. all you talked about, all the words that came out of your mouth was bullshit. nothing you ever said ever came to fruition. nothing. you were just all false promises. see the thing about you is how after all these years you have become soooo damn predictable. and you think you are sooo cool and sooo much better than anyone else, and sooo wise. but reality could not be further from the truth. you are just a fraud. you are just a sad little attention whore. who likes to play the melodramatic card in order to manipulate people. | YOU: 2004: more of the same. you contribute zero worth or value to my life. Not a single positive thing. Just pain. Just hurting me more and more. Yet still i stayed. Back then i believed in stupid things like honor. I made a promise to you, one i'm sure you had long forgotten by then, despite doing irreparable harm to myself. Meanwhile you continue to do your drugs and act like a child in a grown woman's body. lets see what else. oh the hurricane. remember the hurricane? i do. to think i put myself in mortal harm for you. Sitting through a fucking hurricane! i remember not having electricity for over a week. i also remember the first thing i did when i got it back was write to to see if you were ok. despite the fact that you were a hurtful cunt to me, i still reached out to you compassionately. only to be ripped apart by you once again and then adding insult to injury by calling the cops on me. i guess you were too stupid to realize back then how i was different from you. because when i gave my word, i KEPT IT. and you? your 'promises' were just another means of manipulation. I wonder what goes on in that brain of yours? i wonder how you can live so blissfully care free with such a VAST discrepancy in the things i said and did for you vs. the things you said... and didn't do. When i made you a promise i went far and beyond to fulfill that promise. Regardless of personal feelings, regardless of personal consequence, regardless of the pain it would put me through. notice the trend you were setting? |
so much for unconditional love, right?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
ME: 2005:
due to the overwhelming destructive, emotional toll by this whole situation, i sank into a massive depression. Consequently i flunk out of grad school. i completely stopped going to classes. i completely gave up on life. hell, sometimes i would not even leave my room for a week or longer. i literally not go outside. why? because of you. because of all the terrible things you were doing to me. because when you DID say something to me it was just more and more abusive, hurtful things. little did i know you would eventually leave the country but not before leaving your 'mark' (or maybe i should say stain). and goes without saying how you didn't even have the common courtesy to tell me. no, you just left me there to rot in florida. And as stupid as this sounds, during this time i remember having some absurd fantasy about you. About how one day you would show up at my door, about how you would apologize, and tell me how you had come to realize all the hurtful things you had done to me were wrong, how you would beg me for another chance, because it finally dawned on you how you were -this- close to ruining the best thing to ever happen to you... and that you would promise (and this time mean it) that you would work to make amends for everything you had done. obviously none of that ever happened. back then you had my address and my phone number. i knew you had it b/c my friend sent it to you. you know the one. she only told me after she had done it. ever wonder why she did that? or why she would try to call and talk to you, despite the fact that you were such an absolute, rude, cunt to her? maybe, just maybe it was b/c she could see how much pain i was in. how many times i would talk to her about ending my life. i think anyone who would be put in that situation would have tried to do something to help. and all she could do is call you and hope somehow to get through to that self centered, self absorbed, lying, hypocritical brain of yours. i wonder what you would have done (if anything) if i had gone through with your request and slit my wrists? "make sure to slit your wrists vertically instead of horizontally" finally as a last ditch effort she contacted my mom. One day they called to tell me there were down and wanted to see me. this was completely out of the blue. Eventually she confessed that she told my mom i was suicidal. i remember being furious with her, because i DID NOT want them to know anything about the situation i was in. i DID NOT want them to know about how you completely fucked up everything, all my goals, plans, hopes, aspirations. everything. But I was mostly mad because i wanted to die. And now i had to put on a 'happy face' and pretend my life was not absolutely obliterated. in reality if i had killed myself in 2005 it would have saved me another 5+ years of pain, anguish and heartbreak. | YOU: 2005: well finally you leave carol. or maybe she got tired of your shit and left you. and like typical flavia fashion you jump into bed with the next closest person you knew. i guess you dont see how much of a fucked up whore you are to be playing revolving doors with people like that, but seriously i dont give a shit anymore. all i know is you fucked your best friends ex-boyfriend. gee what a shocker. you want to know a secret? i knew you would. i KNEW years prior. one day you told me you, heather and her then boyfriend were doing some acid and some other shit. know what my immediate gut feeling was at that time? i wondered if you fucked him. you know why people get gut feelings? maybe it is intuition based on habits of people. and fast forward to 2005, and yep. you fucked him. and to add insult to injury (but by then it was like beating a dead horse) you gave him the same book as you gave me. the cherry on the top was when you admitted to me later how "he reminded me so much of you". what, was i suppose to be flattered? you fucking another loser asshole that REMINDED you of me?? yeah. what a nice, warm fuzzy feeling that gave me. i think after i learned what you did, i really started to come around to the realization of just what a nasty slut you really were. And how much of it you had kept from me. it is one thing to fuck people but another to fuck the ex boyfriend of your 'supposed' best friend. that is fucking disgusting. but i bet you didnt care when he had his dick in your mouth did you. Sometimes i wondered how you could justify your actions. i wonder what lies you told yourself when you went to those 'make out' clubs in brazil. i doubt that is all people were doing in there. |
so much for unconditional love. yeah, what did that ever get me but more abuse from you?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
2006:
You did not say a single word to me despite my numerous attempts to get you to talk to me. guess you were too busy banging Saulo again, after you moved back down to your dirty, corrupt 3rd world country. You know what i think? You actually enjoy being treated like a throwaway piece of ass and nothing more. If any respectable man ever knew about all the shit you did, I seriously doubt they would want anything else from you. No half-decent man would ever want to have a serious relationship with "used goods" like yours. Guess that also explains the bottom of the barrel choices you've made in men your entire life.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
2007:
We'll call this the time when i tried to forgive the past, all the pain you caused, and all the whoring you did. When i tried to give you another chance. The difference from this time compared to all the other years was that by now i finally realized what a horrible, fucked up person you were. You had established that fact quite well by then. But i foolishly let myself believe you had changed, that you were a different person. That you had finally grown up.
You would give me these long-winder, dramatic emails about this and that and about wanting us to "trust" one another again etc etc. Or how about the time when you said "i am not all that, to be sleeping around and cheating on people like a slut". yeah. you really had me fooled back then.
Inevitably you just ended up doing the same crap you always did. Sleep around like some dirty whore, lie, kick me out of your life (because you looooved so much to make me your scapegoat for everything and punish me for no reason).
Ultimately you proved, and not for the last time, that you had not changed a bit and that you were exactly the same selfish, immature, self absorbed, inconsiderate cunt you always were. You obviously did not care how your actions effected me. You never once took my feelings into consideration.
And then one day you decided to go on a trip with your aunt. I think it was for a week. Do you remember that? I do. And when you cane back you told me how you had "sooooo much fun" and how "i hardly got any sleep" *wink* *wink*
my immediate reaction to this was "i wonder who she fucked this time?"
and just like clockwork things started to change when you got back. When you got back i remember asking you a simple question "did you miss me?" and there was a pause. silence. too long. i knew something was up. it felt almost forced by you to say 'yes'. But at the time i was fairly sure you did not really mean it. Then before i could say anything more you made some excuse that you had things to take care of, oh but you promised to talk to me later. a promise, that you unsurprisingly, ended up breaking.
one day turned into two. two into 3. As the days mounted the feeling became stronger and stronger. that something had happened. my suspicions about what you had done on that trip grew stronger and stronger. but most telling was the overwhelming feeling of Deja vu. I knew where this was headed and i hoped to god that i was wrong.
but of course i wasn't.
when you finally got around to talking to me again you made some lame excuse "going through some stuff" gee what a shocker. You must not have remembered that was basically the code for "i am kicking you out of my life. again". And i was right, as usual.
This time i didn't fight you.
Compared to all the previous years, how i fought and bled and cried my soul out begging, pleading NOT to do THIS! You have no idea just how draining that kind of fight is. but for years i fought for something i felt so strongly in.... and for what. up until that point i failed time and again. and by this time i was tired.
tired of being unappreciated.
tired of being lied to.
tired of you never really caring what and how your actions would effect me.
So i gave up. i let you go do whatever you wanted to do. you ALWAYS got your way regardless.
You Do realize that, don't you? that never, not ONCE, EVER in TEN fucking YEARS did you do anything FOR me. not once!
And yet there i was, again. Playing the part of the ignorant fool. trying to be supportive, unaware of the REAL reasons. You played me well. I bet it even confused you "why is clint being so nice to me? why is he being so patient and caring and kind? if he only knew the truth, that i fucked someone else..."
yeah. if ONLY i knew the truth. if only i had known what an amazing liar you were. But when i think back on all these years, one truth stands above the rest. God, what an absolute whore you are. Its really astounding how much you've fucked with complete disregard for the people you supposedly loved. Equally astounding how much you've lied about it all and pretended it never happened.
It only dawned on me years later, when you told me you were supposedly pregnant, that i finally cracked the code.
"i am going through some stuff" or "i need time alone" REALLY meant "i fucked someone and i dont know how to tell you and i feel guilty so i am going to kick you out of my life so i dont have to feel guilty about it"
unfortunately for me i remember dozens of times that you told me one variation or another of this same phrase. i remember every.damn.thing.
All those times, all those years. Meanwhile compassionate clint, loving clint, sympathetic clint UNAWARE of the reality of your world. Every aspect of me was used, abused, then coldly discarded without a second thought or care. JUST LIKE YOUR DAD that apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it.
My writing speaks the truth. unlike you and your words. unlike your life of lies. name one time i ever lied compared to the uncountable number you have told.
But just as how you were an absolute whore, i was an absolute fool. Because deep down i still loved you. When you kicked me out of your life what did i do? Well before you did that, i gave you one thing. I doubt you remember.
Regardless of your actions, i was always thinking of you. During you week of partying and fucking -whomever- i on the other hand was working on something for you. Something from the heart. I had wanted to give you something, make you a surprise when you returned.
I did not know a single line of css code before i started. But during that week i learned enough to make what i did. The my delirium site. "that is the most beautiful thing anyone has ever done for me" you said. but obviously that changed nothing. Just like everything else i had done for all those years.
you never done anything even remotely similar for me. and you never will. the closest i ever got was "just because i never put you first before in the past, does not mean i won't now" (to which you soon after promptly fucked someone else and supposedly got pregnant).
none of this, not my feelings, not my creations, not my words, nothing changed the outcome of your decision. you left. this time i did not stop you. and because i still loved you, i suffered alone. and suffered. and suffered.
many months later i stumbled upon your orkurt page. And those pictures of you and that teenage boy toy of yours. Pictures of you riding on his fucking back like a damn horse. Pictures of you spanking his ass of all things. Oh and 'bejos' lots and lots of those words written to him.
I wonder about something. How is it so EASY for you to rip the heart out of someone? how is it so EASY for you to hurt someone so much, but keep going about your life like some innocent angel. How was it so EASY for you all kinds of things for other people? yet when it came to me you did nothing but hurt and cause pain and discard and deny.
you don't know the first thing about what it is like to really love someone. let alone unconditional love.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
2008:
you were apparently too busy screwing your teenage boy toy to ever think of me. i mean, really? you were almost 30 and yet were screwing some teenager??! how pathetic. But as your track record proved time and time again, you have done nothing BUT make stupid decisions all throughout your life.
oh wait, how could i forget. your infamous email to me out of the blue one day: "i was at some party with some friends and looked outside and saw this moon and there was this song that was playing in the background and i didn't know what it was, but then it dawned on me. that the lyrics contained a poem you sent to me one time"
was i suppose to be flattered? after you had kicked me out of your life and had not said anything to me in almost a whole year?
and then later: "oh but don't think that this means i want you back in my life or anything. because if you were in my life all you could ever be to me was some kind of pet"
of course you would deny ever saying that to me later when i confronted you about it. but it seems about right. the great summation of my entire existence and of what i meant to you... nothing but a pet.
Maybe you never remembered saying that to me because you were high on your drugs. whatever the case, it was quite insulting how you played an innocent angel when i got so mad at you for saying that to me. yeah. i wonder how happy YOU would have been if you had just wasted all those years.. and for what? "nothing but a pet".
so much for unconditional love.
That SHOULD have been the last straw for me. And it nearly was. Only I was too good, too nice, too forgiving. You've no idea how furious your little offhanded comment made me.
but like i said before, it did not matter whether you were around or not. i still had to deal with the damage you had done, while you were conveniently out of the picture doing your drugs and screwing -whomever- at the time. i was always left alone to pick up the pieces, to suffer through the pain, and depression.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
2006:
You did not say a single word to me despite my numerous attempts to get you to talk to me. guess you were too busy banging Saulo again, after you moved back down to your dirty, corrupt 3rd world country. You know what i think? You actually enjoy being treated like a throwaway piece of ass and nothing more. If any respectable man ever knew about all the shit you did, I seriously doubt they would want anything else from you. No half-decent man would ever want to have a serious relationship with "used goods" like yours. Guess that also explains the bottom of the barrel choices you've made in men your entire life.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
2007:
We'll call this the time when i tried to forgive the past, all the pain you caused, and all the whoring you did. When i tried to give you another chance. The difference from this time compared to all the other years was that by now i finally realized what a horrible, fucked up person you were. You had established that fact quite well by then. But i foolishly let myself believe you had changed, that you were a different person. That you had finally grown up.
You would give me these long-winder, dramatic emails about this and that and about wanting us to "trust" one another again etc etc. Or how about the time when you said "i am not all that, to be sleeping around and cheating on people like a slut". yeah. you really had me fooled back then.
Inevitably you just ended up doing the same crap you always did. Sleep around like some dirty whore, lie, kick me out of your life (because you looooved so much to make me your scapegoat for everything and punish me for no reason).
Ultimately you proved, and not for the last time, that you had not changed a bit and that you were exactly the same selfish, immature, self absorbed, inconsiderate cunt you always were. You obviously did not care how your actions effected me. You never once took my feelings into consideration.
And then one day you decided to go on a trip with your aunt. I think it was for a week. Do you remember that? I do. And when you cane back you told me how you had "sooooo much fun" and how "i hardly got any sleep" *wink* *wink*
my immediate reaction to this was "i wonder who she fucked this time?"
and just like clockwork things started to change when you got back. When you got back i remember asking you a simple question "did you miss me?" and there was a pause. silence. too long. i knew something was up. it felt almost forced by you to say 'yes'. But at the time i was fairly sure you did not really mean it. Then before i could say anything more you made some excuse that you had things to take care of, oh but you promised to talk to me later. a promise, that you unsurprisingly, ended up breaking.
one day turned into two. two into 3. As the days mounted the feeling became stronger and stronger. that something had happened. my suspicions about what you had done on that trip grew stronger and stronger. but most telling was the overwhelming feeling of Deja vu. I knew where this was headed and i hoped to god that i was wrong.
but of course i wasn't.
when you finally got around to talking to me again you made some lame excuse "going through some stuff" gee what a shocker. You must not have remembered that was basically the code for "i am kicking you out of my life. again". And i was right, as usual.
This time i didn't fight you.
Compared to all the previous years, how i fought and bled and cried my soul out begging, pleading NOT to do THIS! You have no idea just how draining that kind of fight is. but for years i fought for something i felt so strongly in.... and for what. up until that point i failed time and again. and by this time i was tired.
tired of being unappreciated.
tired of being lied to.
tired of you never really caring what and how your actions would effect me.
So i gave up. i let you go do whatever you wanted to do. you ALWAYS got your way regardless.
You Do realize that, don't you? that never, not ONCE, EVER in TEN fucking YEARS did you do anything FOR me. not once!
And yet there i was, again. Playing the part of the ignorant fool. trying to be supportive, unaware of the REAL reasons. You played me well. I bet it even confused you "why is clint being so nice to me? why is he being so patient and caring and kind? if he only knew the truth, that i fucked someone else..."
yeah. if ONLY i knew the truth. if only i had known what an amazing liar you were. But when i think back on all these years, one truth stands above the rest. God, what an absolute whore you are. Its really astounding how much you've fucked with complete disregard for the people you supposedly loved. Equally astounding how much you've lied about it all and pretended it never happened.
It only dawned on me years later, when you told me you were supposedly pregnant, that i finally cracked the code.
"i am going through some stuff" or "i need time alone" REALLY meant "i fucked someone and i dont know how to tell you and i feel guilty so i am going to kick you out of my life so i dont have to feel guilty about it"
unfortunately for me i remember dozens of times that you told me one variation or another of this same phrase. i remember every.damn.thing.
All those times, all those years. Meanwhile compassionate clint, loving clint, sympathetic clint UNAWARE of the reality of your world. Every aspect of me was used, abused, then coldly discarded without a second thought or care. JUST LIKE YOUR DAD that apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it.
My writing speaks the truth. unlike you and your words. unlike your life of lies. name one time i ever lied compared to the uncountable number you have told.
But just as how you were an absolute whore, i was an absolute fool. Because deep down i still loved you. When you kicked me out of your life what did i do? Well before you did that, i gave you one thing. I doubt you remember.
Regardless of your actions, i was always thinking of you. During you week of partying and fucking -whomever- i on the other hand was working on something for you. Something from the heart. I had wanted to give you something, make you a surprise when you returned.
I did not know a single line of css code before i started. But during that week i learned enough to make what i did. The my delirium site. "that is the most beautiful thing anyone has ever done for me" you said. but obviously that changed nothing. Just like everything else i had done for all those years.
you never done anything even remotely similar for me. and you never will. the closest i ever got was "just because i never put you first before in the past, does not mean i won't now" (to which you soon after promptly fucked someone else and supposedly got pregnant).
none of this, not my feelings, not my creations, not my words, nothing changed the outcome of your decision. you left. this time i did not stop you. and because i still loved you, i suffered alone. and suffered. and suffered.
many months later i stumbled upon your orkurt page. And those pictures of you and that teenage boy toy of yours. Pictures of you riding on his fucking back like a damn horse. Pictures of you spanking his ass of all things. Oh and 'bejos' lots and lots of those words written to him.
I wonder about something. How is it so EASY for you to rip the heart out of someone? how is it so EASY for you to hurt someone so much, but keep going about your life like some innocent angel. How was it so EASY for you all kinds of things for other people? yet when it came to me you did nothing but hurt and cause pain and discard and deny.
you don't know the first thing about what it is like to really love someone. let alone unconditional love.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
2008:
you were apparently too busy screwing your teenage boy toy to ever think of me. i mean, really? you were almost 30 and yet were screwing some teenager??! how pathetic. But as your track record proved time and time again, you have done nothing BUT make stupid decisions all throughout your life.
oh wait, how could i forget. your infamous email to me out of the blue one day: "i was at some party with some friends and looked outside and saw this moon and there was this song that was playing in the background and i didn't know what it was, but then it dawned on me. that the lyrics contained a poem you sent to me one time"
was i suppose to be flattered? after you had kicked me out of your life and had not said anything to me in almost a whole year?
and then later: "oh but don't think that this means i want you back in my life or anything. because if you were in my life all you could ever be to me was some kind of pet"
of course you would deny ever saying that to me later when i confronted you about it. but it seems about right. the great summation of my entire existence and of what i meant to you... nothing but a pet.
Maybe you never remembered saying that to me because you were high on your drugs. whatever the case, it was quite insulting how you played an innocent angel when i got so mad at you for saying that to me. yeah. i wonder how happy YOU would have been if you had just wasted all those years.. and for what? "nothing but a pet".
so much for unconditional love.
That SHOULD have been the last straw for me. And it nearly was. Only I was too good, too nice, too forgiving. You've no idea how furious your little offhanded comment made me.
but like i said before, it did not matter whether you were around or not. i still had to deal with the damage you had done, while you were conveniently out of the picture doing your drugs and screwing -whomever- at the time. i was always left alone to pick up the pieces, to suffer through the pain, and depression.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)